Shut Up Leslie!!!

SHUT UP, LESLIE!!!!

You've gotta take me with a grain of salt. I have no idea what that means, but it seems fitting. Those of you who actually know me, know that I have no filter between my brain and mouth. (Please read blog entitled: Stupid things I say). I say what I mean and I mean what I say. Sometimes, however, the intent of what I say is simply misconstrued, let's say.

I don't usually mean for the things that I say to end up coming out the way that they do. I didn't mean to point out that someone's dress resembled a shower curtain. I didn't mean to tell my neighbor that I rather claw my eyes out with spoons than go furniture shopping with her. And last night at bunko, I certainly didn't mean to blurt out that I will refuse to allow my children to join D.A.R.E. (When my friend insisted that it was part of their curriculum and they needed it to graduate). I didn't mean to get up on my hind legs and rant that I'd write a letter to dismiss them from the program. My reasoning behind this lament was that I don't need the peanut gallery (ie. my children) piping up from the back seat when I drive them around town drunk off my ass.

Obviously, I was completely kidding. I could never, would never and will never drink with my children. Unless it's just to and from the liquor store. I'M KIDDING, settle down. Anyway, I made a bad joke about it because, well....that's what I do. I make bad jokes. I'm inappropriate, I'm crass, I often cross the line. It's what I do. I didn't get a reputation for being a quick -witted hoot, just for sitting with my hands placed politely in my lap. No siree. I'm edgy. ...(long pause), yeah, edgy.

You can either love me or hate me. Fortunately for me, most people enjoy my 'rants'. If they don't, oh well. At least I can laugh about it in the morning. Or at the very least, call Melissa to re-hash it. She shares my dark, inappropriate sense of humor so I mostly amuse her. But, if she thinks I've crossed the line, chances are I've got some follow-up phone calls to make. As Jason would say, "You've got some sssplainin' to do, Lucy". She's my moral compass. Granted, a slightly eschewed compass, but my compass, nevertheless. That Melissa.

And you don't know the half of it. The examples that I've mentioned have only occurred within my social circle. Imagine the horror that I must bring to my husband and his family. And on a regular basis, mind you. In case you're just tuning in....my in-laws are Baptists. Good Christians. Church going, law abiding citizens. Decent humans. No drinking, no swearing (whaaat?) no taking the Lord's name in vain, no hats during prayer, type people. Now...picture me. See my point? I love 'em. Lawd knows I loves 'em. But really? Where my husband finds the strawnth to take me out into public with him, I'll never know. And he forgives me too! I can usually keep in under lock & key at family reunions and holidays...but whew---invite me to a wedding? Forget about it.

First of all, I guar-an-tee I will be strategically placed as far away from the head table as humanly possible. Second, I guar-an-tee I will, at some point, request that the Dj play, "Erotic City" by Prince and lastly, you can bet your sweet ass that if the reception is at a fancy joint and the ladies room has one of those cute little 'amenities' basket on the counter with mouthwash, a sewing kit and some (ahem) feminine-products-starting with -the-letter-T, in it....Then, I can GUAR-AN-TEE I will pass them out to people at the reception while saying, "Cigarette? Cigar? Cigarette? Cigar?". Trust me, I've done it! This I promise you! Just ask my sister in law! I even have the photo to prove it. (Note the smeared mascara under my eyes) Proving my point ONCE AGAIN, that you can dress me up, but you can't take me out. Well, you can, but not without scrutiny.

So, I say, make a splash. Have some fun! Laugh until your mascara smears!!!

~Leslie