embarrassment ensues

True Story. This only happened a matter of minutes ago, so I'm going to furiously type, as to accurately recall the series of events.

Took Gabe into see his pediatrician for his 4 year old wellness check this morning. After the physical examination, the doctor (who has no sense of humor or much of a personality whatsoever) hands Gabe a pen and asks him to draw a picture of his mom. I guess this exercise somehow measures his development...whatever. Anyway, Gabe says, "ummm, this pen is actually too heavy for me" and hands the pen back to him. The doctor reassures him that the pen isn't too heavy and could he please just draw the picture. Gabe sighs and gets started. He draws my eyes, my nose, my lips, my hair and my toe nails. Then he says to me, "What else should I draw, mommy"? I tell him to draw whatever he wants. To which he immediately replies, "Then I'm going to draw your big pee pee and your boobies". I turned 3 shades of red and buried my head in my lap. I peek up at the doctor, expecting him to be giggling. Oh no. No smile, no smirk...nothing. He was scribbling something in Gabe's file, probably indicating that my son is a perv.

The doctor then goes on and on asking me more questions about their diet, their tv exposure, etc... He asks how many glasses of milk I give them a day. I tell him one at breakfast and one at dinner. Ben pipes in, "NOOO, Uh-Uh....nooooo, remember at the restaurant last night you let us get Sprite"???? So, I kicked him. Then doc asks how much television/computer time my kids get. I said, "well, let's see, I let them watch tv while I'm making breakfast and again at night when they're winding down". Ben bursts out laughing and says, "we watch waaaaaay more tv than that"!!!!! If looks could kill, there would be a chalk line around Ben on the floor in the doctor's office. He pulled this crap with me last year during their physicals. I even warned them this morning NOT to act up. Doctor Personality yells at me some more about the importance of bike helmets. I nod. Ben throws me under the bus again. "Mom...Mom....uh-uh, Gabe DOES NOT wear a helmet...Mom, mom....."!!! Yeah, because GABE CAN'T RIDE A BIKE---which would clearly explain why Gabe doesn't wear a bike helmet. So, I find myself stuttering and sputtering to this doctor, like I'm on trial or something.

So, on the way home, I called my husband to tell him how beastly our children were, but then hung up because I figured he'd probably make a disgusting sexual reference with regard to my "big pee pee". I ended up circling my neighborhood because I was/am worried that the authorities have been notified. What if I get questioned by CPS because my kids are making dirty references to my pee pee? Great. That's all I need is a sex offender sign posted in my yard. As if I don't already have a glowing reputation in the neighborhood. Why do my children hate me so?

Off to do my kegels. What, with my big pee pee and all....

~Leslie