Why I'm always late

A 10 minute glimpse into my life (and probably every other housewife's life)




It's 7:50 A.M. I must leave the house in 10 minutes. Sweet! All I have to do is grab my keys, find my sunglasses, get the boys in the car and I'm out-da-doe.




Oh, but wait. Jason was the last one to drive my car, so now I have to hunt aimlessly around the house trying to find which obscure place my husband has decided to set me keys (in the past, he's been known to set them down on top of the car, on top of the refrigerator, in the pocket of his coat which left for work an hour ago, in HIS car--the list goes on and on) so, hunting for my keys is no easy feat. Cool, they were just in his jeans pocket, which were conveniently left on the floor for me. As I'm bending down to pick up his jeans, I notice a pee smell. I pick up Gabe's jammies which were discarded at my feet moments earlier. Great. Now I have to go check to see if he wet the bed. Of course he did, why else would his jammies smell like pee? Now I have to strip the bed, throw the sheets in the washer, quickly undress Gabe to wipe him down with a washcloth and re-dress him. Ok, time to go--2 minutes left. Just let me wash my hands and I'm off. Realize that there's no paper towel on the roll. Replace it. As I'm putting the roll onto it's holder, I knock over a spoon which held scant amounts of coffee grinds (or is it grounds?). As you well know, a scant amount of coffee grounds spilled onto your kitchen floor, actually looks like a mountain of coffee grounds. Isn't it funny how it spreads like wildfire? Pull out more paper towel and wipe it up. Well, for Heaven's sake, you can't just leave it there. That takes longer than you anticipate because...well, coffee grounds are a bitch to clean up. You go to toss it into the garbage. The garbage is spilling over. You quickly yank up the garbage to empty it. More coffee grounds spill onto the floor. F--K it, clean it up later. Grab keys. Walk out the door. Take the garbage to the bin outside and realize that it's garbage day. Throw everything into the bin and haul it down to the curb. Notice that the mail truck is 3 houses away from your own and you have a birthday card sitting on the kitchen table that NEEDS to go out today or else you'll hear allll about how you forgot so & so's birthday. Run like a mad man back into the house and grab the envelope, run down and personally hand it to the mail lady. Run back up to the car. Find Ben shoeless while Gabe wears my gold flip flops. Decide that shoes are optional and dismiss the whole shoe situation. Realize that Luna (dog) is outside. Try to get her into the house with little success. Trick her by asking if she 'wants to go bye-bye in the car'. When she reluctantly tries to get into the car, grab her collar and drag her back into the house. Get in the car. Press the garage door closer. Ben's bike is in it's way. Get out. Move the bike. Return to the car, reverse down driveway. Run over the garbage bin. Get out, pick up all the garbage that toppled over. Throw it back in the bid. Close the bin. Get in the car and......I'm off!!!! Only 39 minutes behind schedule. Not too shabby.


Whew!!!