who's got my back?

Now, this is still in negotiations, but there is a vague possibility that Jason will be outsourcing a new wife from overseas. Or importing her from Mexico. Either way.





Evidently, I'm on thin ice. He made some remark about my being a 'money pit'. I said, "ohhhhh yeaaaaah. I'm soooo expensive to keep....poor Jason.....being ran into the poor house because his wife is sooooooo frivolous". Then, I suggested he go ahead and trade me in for a newer, more efficient and economical model.



'Go right ahead', I threatened. He wavered and waffled over the idea, alright. I reminded him that sure, at the end of the month, there might be a few more dollars in the bank, but what good would that do him when he'd obviously be crying in his beer every night? She wouldn't be as cool as me, I'll tell you that much. You think some mail-order bride would allow him to play poker every Friday night and "jam" on his guitar in the basement every night? You think new wife would put up with his maddening habit of insisting the toilet paper be put on the holder backwards? Hay-ell no, she'd throw his ass out--FO SHOW!



You know... she'd probably make him see foreign films with him, or worse....chick flicks. She would probably think the Olive Garden was fine dining and would make him take her there. Yeah, ya know what I did this weekend? I offered to see "Notorious" (story of rapper Biggie Smalls) with him and I even ate at a Mexican Restaurant with him, knowing full right and well that I hate Mexican food. I'm that kind of wife. I'm so low maintenance it's ridiculous.



You want to sit in front of the tv and not talk? I'm cool with that! Turns out, I'm not a big fan of chit chat. You just want to go to sleep after whoopie and not cuddle---sweeeeet---good night! You want to forego dinner and just have snacks while we watch the Office? I'm your girl! I hate shopping at the mall (I'd rather save myself the time and just order everything online), it takes me 30 minutes to get ready, I love sleep, I love music, I love beer, I have a raunchy sense of humor, I'm not morally opposed to illegal substances, I tell dick jokes, I'm a man with a uterus is really what it boils down to, and he's really going to complain about my foiled highlights and my excessive fondness for black shirts with ruffles, of which I have dozens.



So this, I assure him. She won't be liked by the neighbors. She won't be liked by our friends. She won't be accepted at Bunco. She'll surely receive a chilly welcome at the family reunion. Face it, you're better off keeping me. In the long run, it might cost you, but I'm priceless.



I ask you, who's got my back? If Jason shows up to euchre, the corner bar, Christmas, a bar-b-que, etc., with a new bride, please tell me you won't like her better than me. Remind him of how good my chili is and how I actually enjoy mowing the lawn, won't you? I'm a keeper, I tell you. One weekend with one-legged Svetlana and he'll be begging for me to come home.



Wanna be rich? Shoulda married a hippie who sews her own clothes and grows her own food. Want a fun life with many laughs, a (mostly) clean house, a drinking buddy, a fashion consultant, a personal shopper, a goofy pal? Stick with me! I always tell Jason, "you make the living and I'll make the living worthwhile".