The Man-Child

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times, MEN ARE BIG BABIES. There is a clip on You Tube called, "The Man Cold". I highly recommend it. My God, my husband literally limps when he has a head cold.

Anyway, I'm not going to get into that whole song and dance today. This is my new gripe. OK, my husband, Jason, is the worst bed buddy. I mean that in the literal sense, not figuratively. He is. Hands down. Thee. WORST. PERSON. TO SLEEP. WITH!

Here's Jason's sleepy-time routine:

Kick legs
sigh every 2 minutes
clear his throat every 25 seconds
kick legs
roll over
sigh
snores
breath through his mouth
choke on his dry throat

.....this will go on for hours and hours.... It's maddening. So, finally, he's going to a sleep clinic this week (HOORAY)!! He had to fill out tons of paper work before his appt. and the instructions said to have his sleep partner answer some of the questions, pertaining to his sleep habits. That would be me. I was happy to put my 2 cents in, as I'm often prone to do. Here's how that conversation went down.

Jason: When's my birthday

Me: Feb. 4th

Jason: Was I born in 73 or 74?

Me: 74....seriously?

Jason: Have I ever been hospitalized?

Me: Don't you think you'd remember if you'd been hospitalized?

Jason: Did I snore as a child?

Me: (sigh) We didn't know each other as children.

Jason: Do I snore now?

Me: (I just stare blankly at him)

Jason: I'll take that as a yes

Jason: Do I drink frequently, moderately or rarely?

Me: frequently

Jason: Does my drinking ever bother my partner

Me: Yes

Jason: I'm not putting that down

Me: THEN DON'T ASK ME!!!!

Jason: 'K, Do I ever fall asleep after lunch

Me: I wouldn't know. We rarely have lunch together.

Jason: Well, that one weekend, remember I laid down with Gabe and took a nap?

Me: Pretty sure that's not what they mean

Jason: What's post nasal drip?

Me: a runny nose....My God, what part of 'nasal drip' escaped you?

Jason: What does 'wakefulness' mean?

Me: Um. When you're awake

Jason: Are you sure it doesn't mean 'unable to sleep'

Me: yes

Jason: what if it does?

Me: That would be insomnia. See Wake-Ful-Ness simply means being awake. (roll eyes)

Jason: Oh.

Jason: Do I ever fall asleep after a meal without alcohol consumption?

Me: I don't know, I've never seen you eat a meal without consuming alcohol along with it.

Jason: I'm not putting that down

Me: Then I'll call the clinic myself and give them my version. Who are they gonna believe? The drunken husband or his wife?

Jason: Good night.

Good Lord, it's like he's 5. I love the man, I do. But, he's a Man-child. It's times like this when I'd like to put a pillow over of his face.

I'd also like to point out two other instances when he resorts to his man-child self.

• When I'm cooking. He hovers over me....."Ewwwwe---what's that? I don't like that. Ughhhh...Leslie, what's thaaaaat...you know I don't like balsamic vinegar, it smells like feet. Ohhhh, I don't think I like onions, do I? Oh, I'm not going to like this. Can I just have 2 bites and if I don't like it can I have something else?"

• When we're shopping for new school clothes for him. (They're really for work, but school clothes sounds cuter). I pull out arm loads of clothes for him to try on for me. He shuffles around the store getting distracted by shiny objects. He begrudgingly tries on the clothes. He comes out of the dressing room to show me his ensemble. He shoves his hands in his pockets, slouches his shoulders, acts stiff and uncomfortable, he squirms and tells me it's too tight. We leave everything in the dressing room, go get him a Shamrock shake and attempt another shopping spree in 6 months.