Peeps I Hate: Vol. II

Here's the portion of the show where I vehemently spew my strong dislike for certain people. I'm fairly certain I'll have Volume 3 composed in my head by the time I post this. I'm always on the lookout for new peeps to add to my list. Pretty much, if I'm out in public, I'll inevitably find someone to add to my infamous list. I'm not overly critical, I'm just hyper-aware of common courtesy and basic sociology.

1. I firmly believe that people who don't use proper grammar should be arrested.

2. I hate the person at the check out counter who acts annoyed that I'm needing to be rung up. I was at a store yesterday buying my husband some golf shirts. (he doesn't really golf much, but God bless 'em for wanting to look the part). So, I got to the counter, plopped my merchandise in front of her and said, 'hello'. She couldn't possibly bother to look at me. She was waaayyy to busy sorting dollar bills and ignoring me. Finally she looks up and give me the most exasperated "hi" she could possibly manage. It literally pained her to acknowledge me. I'm looking around like, "I'm sorry, am I at your house right now...or am I at the store in which you are EMPLOYED?" After she's finished organizing all of her pens so that they are facing North, she finally gets to my purchase. Why, thank you, kind lady. Thank you for taking the time out of your obviously verrrrry busy day to ring me up. I have no tolerance for this because, well, we're all aware of the rate of unemployment right now. I feel that if you are lucky enough to have a paycheck, no matter how big or small, you should be grateful and that you should do your job with pride because if you don't, guess what? There's probably 200 people who will.

3. I hate the person whom I will refer to as the "coupon Nazi". I'm not embarrassed to admit that if I have a coupon for something that I regularly buy, I'm not afraid to use it. I'm not above saving a few bucks. Not in this economy. Crumbs make a cake, I always say. Every little bit helps. My husband, Jason might argue with this statement. He'd prefer that I not buy it at all, rather than come home and reveal my gorgeous new shoes that I bought at 20% off. He likes to say, "quit saving me money, you're breaking me". Then, I will pat him on the head and prance off in my pretty, new shoes. Ok, but-uh-back to the lecture at hand. The Coupon Nazi. Ooooh, how I hate this person. I shake my fist at her. I'll paint a picture, as I'm known to do. I'm in line. I'm unloading hundreds of dollars worth of groceries at the store where I spend at least $1,000 a month. I'm not a crazy coupon lady or anything, but surely I enjoy saving a few bones here and there. I have 2 little boys who are usually horrendous in the grocery store and often risk being abandoned at the courtesy counter. So, suffice it to say, I'm pretty spent by the time I get to paying for my items. So, the cashier is finally done bagging my groceries and I hand her my coupons. She goes through them with a fine tooth comb, like her life depends on whether she's going to give me the discount. Like she gets a bonus at the end of the day for denying a $.50 off coupon. "Nope, this one expired an hour ago. Nope, this one says you had to buy two. Sorry, this one says you have to be blond"...... I usually lose my patience at this point and yank my measly coupons out of her fat hands. Ooooh, she makes me so mad.

4. Parents who allow their children to act like assholes without reprimanding them. I'll just leave it at that.

5. People who show up to an event with their 4 or 5 kids and bring a 2 liter of pop to pass. Wow. Thanks for your contribution. Between the first liter and the 2nd liter, we should be all set. I can see where an appetizer or a dessert would have seemed excessive.

6. Stage Mothers. Why are pageant mothers always so fat and ugly? Well, the answer apparently lies within the question. They're most likely living vicariously through their children. And what's up with the whorish looking toddlers? Creepy! They always have their disgusting trailer trashy mother in the audience performing the routine right along with them. I hate to be crass, but we all know what happened to poor little JonBenet and then later, to Patsy. That situation alone would have steered me clear from the world of pageantry.

7. People who think Red Lobster & Olive Garden are fine dining.

8. People who give bad massages. I regularly get massages, what with my scoliosis and all... nevertheless, I pay to have therapeutic massages and when the masseuse meets me in the lobby and shakes my hand with a limp handshake, I know I'm in for at least an hour of hell. I always start out by telling her that I want a deep tissue massage and not to be afraid to hurt me. That statement alone should suffice, but no.... because sure as shit, 15 minutes later, she's rubbing my skin in tiny little circles, while I'm face-down and seething. I will often interrupt the massage and politely tell her that I'd like more pressure. They always agree and whisper, "ok". But damned if her mutant hands work any harder. There's nothing worse than a bad massage. Nothing, I tell you! Nothing! What part of "HURT ME" escaped you? When my neck & shoulders ache the way mine do, a light rub down is about as effective as a band-aid on an amputation. I don't like anything done lightly. I'm a physical person, hence my request for a deep tissue massage. I don't like being hugged lightly (don't give me that pat-pat crap). I don't like being peck kissed (lean me back and lay one on me). I don't like any sort of unnecessary nudging. Just roll up your sleeves and dig your thumbs in, like I'm paying you to do. One time, I had a massage where the masseuse had a trache. You know...the hole in her throat. I kid you not. She had to stop the massage every few minutes to wipe off the trache, where her saliva was accumulating. Between the fear of spit dripping on the back of my head, coupled with her robot voice, that might have been the most tense massage I'd ever had.

9. People who use Facebook as a platform to brag about themselves. This is a new observation of mine that keeps me up at night. I fantasize about composing scathing emails to these people. Of course, I feel it's my personal obligation to put them in their place and knock them down a peg or two. There's this chick on facebook who updates her status several times a day (lame). Her more recent status read, "my husband came home early and found me cleaning....he said, "doesn't the cleaning lady come on Friday" and I said 'honey, I clean EVERY DAY'.....men!!!" First of all, what a trite, tired and overall STUPID thing to write on a status. We all know men are unobservant and semi-retarded--this isn't new. But mostly, you just KNOW she was trying to angle in any opportunity to let the world know that she has a cleaning lady. What a tool. Rather than being impressed that you have a cleaning lady (uh, and by the way, ...who doesn't), I'm annoyed that you feel you have to let us know you have one---because you made a point to mention it, I immediately doubt you even have one. You probably have your elderly grandmother come over and tidy up once a week and you call it your "cleaning lady". Oh, you're soooooooo damned fancy!!!! Grrrrr!!! Well, I'm off to count my money in my Range Rover, while wearing a Chanel suit.

10. I can't think of another one because #9 has me so flustered.