Mars & Venus

I'd like to take this opportunity to give you my rendition of the vast differences between men & women.





Woman: straighten, clean, scour, disinfect, organize, prioritize and scrub.

Men: put a bunch of stuff in a drawer and then look for praise.



Woman: teach their children how to ride two wheelers.

Men: take the children for their first bike ride (sans the training wheels) and proudly accept praise from all the neighborhood mommies who think he's such a great dad.



Woman: potty train their babies

Men: change one frigging diaper in public and relish in all the gushing mommies at Meijers who think he's such a great dad.



Woman: to get ready for bed, have to fluff the pillows, let the dog out, let the dog in, turn out the lights, put the beer bottles in the recycle bin, start the dishwasher, carry clothes basket upstairs, properly tuck in the kids, turn on night lights, brush teeth, wash face, apply anti-aging cream, apply chapstick, lay in bed, think of tomorrow's to-do list, eventually fall asleep.

Men: walk upstairs, lay down, sleep.



Woman: Get a cold. Take Advil Cold & Sinus and go about their day.

Men: Get a cold, call in sick to work, cry, whimper, limp around waiting for someone to notice them, call their mommys, call anyone they can think of so they can practice their hoarse, sick-voice, baby talk their wives, lay in bed until they've decided they're hungry, want something we ultimately don't have in the house, eat it, decide they don't like it, want something else, be a martyr and go back to bed.



Woman: get old and haggered

Men: get handsome & distinguished



Woman: get bitchy for no apparent reason

Men: are simply stressed out from their jobs



Woman: to get ready for an outing, pack a diaper bag, the camera, snacks, let the dog out, then in, make sure the kids have matching shoes and have gone to the bathroom, clean up the house so you don't come home to a messy house, print out directions, grab the list of things to get, pack activities for the kids, charge the cell phones, apply lipstick and lock the door.

Men: get in the car and honk for their wives to hurry up.



Woman: Upon relaying news about a new baby, will provide the stats such as: the sex, it's name, the weight, the length, the time it was born, how many pushes it took to get it out, whether she needed stitches, what hospital she's at, what the colors of the nursery are and what the alternative name would have been if it were born the opposite sex.

Men: tell you that so & so had a baby and it might have been either a boy or a girl.