an OB's worst nightmare

In 2001 I became pregnant for the first time. Like every first time mommy, I was a walking miracle, the epitome of feminity. I convinced myself that mine was the most interesting & unique pregnancy of all time. In hind sight, it barely warranted keeping the pregnancy journal that I committed to writing in each night. My Gosh, I look back at it now and I just about want to choke myself from the boredom of it.





....."tonight the baby kicked. I ate an apple. Yesterday the baby had hiccups. I have to pee a lot. My boobs are big. My clothes don't fit. This might not be Jason's baby"......you know, same old, same old...

But, it's funny how we forget. If I had to guess, I'd say I was a typical patient. Perhaps a bit on the cautious side, but calm, cool and collected, nevertheless. It all came back to haunt me a few days ago. I was looking for something in the waaaayyy back of my closet and I came upon a manila folder. I peeked inside and sure enough, it was records from my old OB's office. I had them forward my file to me when I moved to the other side of the state. My intentions were to give it to my next OB, but I guess I never got around to it. I had some time to kill, so I decided to flop on my bed and stroll down memory lane. After all, it might be fun to reflect on my first pregnancy from the doctor's perspective.





My file was about 3 inches thick, that should have been my first clue. All those times I called the doctor's office to ask an innocent question, I guess I didn't realize that they document every conversation between the nurses & myself. Heh heh... I'm not exaggerating when I tell you some of the entries into my file:





...August 14, 2001. PT (that's code-ski for patient) wants to know if it's ok for her to swing on a swing. I checked with dr. j to be sure, but advised her that yes, it was ok.





.... August 29, 2001. PT says husband won't let her walk her dog until she gets clearance from Dr. J. We ok'd it.





... October 18, 2001. PT called with concerns of eating pumpkin seeds, wants to know if it will increase the baby's liklihood of developing allergies.





November 11, 2001 PT called to report that her "virgin" mimosa, may have had a "splash" of champagne in it. Nurse. P. assured her that the baby wouldn't have fetal alcohol syndrome.





December 12, 2001. PT calls to ask if she can keep poinsettia's in the house. Are they toxic to babies or just to cats? Nurse told her that Leslie would actually have to eat it for it to be toxic to the baby.





February 19, 2002. PT calls with complaints of being tired. I assured her that it was normal.





February 24, 2002. PT complains of "severe pains" running up and down her legs. PT reports that she often wears high heeled boots to work. PT reports that she'll cease from wearing high heels to work.





March 3, 2001. PT reports discomfort & cramping. I explained braxton hicks to her and told her that she could supplement with tylenol. PT says that tylenol upsets her stomach, so she will take advil instead.





March 8, 2002 PT reports that her dog may or may not have come into contact with a dead bird at the park and then dog licked her hand later that day. PT worries if she may have been exposed to West Nile Virus. I told her to bring the bird to CDC for testing. PT declined.





April 1, 2002. PT calls wondering if she's in labor. She claims to have been having contractions for 3 days now. Nurse reports that she'd have had the baby by now if she was in fact having contractions for 3 days.





....I mean, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I'm embarrassed for MYSELF! What must they have thought of me???? I turned it all around for my 2nd and last pregnancy. I never once, NOT ONCE called the dr. I could have been crowning at my 4th month and would have refused to call. "No, that's ok, I'll wait it out. I think it'll pass...." That's a good little patient. I'm now Dr. Van Slooten's most favoritest patient. Which, for all intents & purposes cancels out because I'm still Dr. Johnson's most worstest patient to date.



There will many more blogs like this one, as I have lots o' doctor stories. I don't know why, but I often find myself in odd predicaments at the doctor office. Like the time I boxed in the young, hot resident's head with my knees, 'cause he scerred me.