My Successor

Successor....is that that right word for someone that is to take over for you, once you're gone? If so, than I'd like to discuss my impending successor.

By now, everyone knows that the longevity in my family BLOWS! We all pretty much drop dead in our mid 50's, early 60's. Considering what I had done to my body in my teens & 20's, I'd say I'm lucky to be alive at the ripe old age of 35. I've made futile attempts over the past 5 or so years to counter act any damage that I've done. But, really, it's like putting a band aid on a healed amputation. What's done is done. Liver=shot. Lungs=deflated. Heart=hardened.

So, with that said, the only natural (not to mention totally selfless) thing to do is to search for my successor. For my husband and children, mind you. I've blogged before about my morbid obsession with my death & my funeral. So, whoever my successor may be, she has to be an extension of me, so to speak. I don't expect her to skin my corpse in the back of a van and wear me like a skin-dress, but I do expect her to step into my shoes and live the life that I was intended to live. If that entails changing her name to Leslie and photoshopping herself into all of my photo albums, than so be it.

After (surprisingly) little deliberation, I've chosen my replacement. I've spent more time shopping for carpet than I did for my husband's next wife. But, she was under my nose the entire time! I've discussed it with Jason. He's cool with it. Plus, he thinks I've chosen a pretty cool chick for him. (does he have a boomin', late wife, or what?).

Look thru my archived blogs and find one from Summer '08 entitled, "God, Lindsey, I thought I killed Her". Jason's new wife is to be....(drum roll)....Lindsey's (linda's) daughter, Laura. Laura went to high school with Jason. She's almost like my cousin in the sense that our families are really close. Her mom is like a cool aunt (or a loving mother) to me and I've tried to finagle a way into their tight knit family for YEARS! This is perfect. I can live vicariously through my widowed (and devastated) husband.

Sure, it'll take some time for him to get over me. But, eventually he'll have needs & desires. At first, she'll just be there to fill the void in his life. Then, slowly but surely, she'll win him over. I'll always be the love of his life, but his grief will dissipate and he'll be open to taking another wife. He'll keep a life size portrait of me over their marital bed...out of respect, and all. Laura won't mind a bit. After all, she'd be lucky to be sleeping with him. I'm making a mental note (as I type) to write her a letter and warn her of his quirky habits, favorite recipes and shirt size. God help her if he doesn't get his apnea under control by the time she starts shacking up in my bed. I should also consider bringing her around my boys a bit more often. I want the transition from "Aunt Laura" to "Mommy Laura" to go as smoothly as possible. I only hope she's fertile. I had my tubes tied, cauterized, incinerated and thrown into a trash compactor right after Gabe was born. Laura might just be Jason's last chance to have a daughter. They'll totally name the baby, "Leslie". Except, she won't be nearly as pretty as my kids, bless her heart.

I've made a point in the past 6 mos. to introduce Laura to a lot of my girlfriends. As a matter of fact, Laura was featured in my HILARIOUS blog entitled, "Lafter" where she spent the night with a good friend and me and we prank called Jason all night. Anyway, the point is, my friends (the bitches) already think she's super cool. So, she's already a shoo in. If the bitches don't like Jason's new woman, the new woman is O-U-T, out. The bitches have my back. I'll haunt the bitches if they let Jason get with a skank!

As I'm composing this very blog, my husband is at a party which I'm supposed to be attending, except I am home with a flu-ish 7 yr old. I called him a minute ago and Laura got on the phone. Apparently she's in attendance as well. Hmm. I realized I looked like a stalker wife, so I quickly told Laura to go make nice with her future husband and I hung up. There's a pool at that party. She's probably in a bikini. As I was trying to "sell" Jason on the idea of marrying Laura, I kept driving home the fact that she makes a lot of money, has a killer body and loves to drink. In hindsight, that might have been what we call in the business, an 'over-sell'. Now, I'm not so sure I want him to marry a hot, rich party-girl. The comparison between she and I will be blinding. For, I do NOT make a lot of money (or any at all), I do not have a killer body (2 healthy boys conceived & delivered). I am not a party girl either!! I'm the girl that slams 3 drinks in an hour then pulls her magical disappearing act and puts herself to bed.

Ok. Wait. Back up. That bastard had better either stay single, or find himself a fat, hairy Greek woman who can cook like Rachel Ray. Ima 'bout to go bust Laura's ass. Step off Bitch-izzle. Jason's MINE! If I can't have the Mexican, ain't no one gonna have the Mexican.

But, she can however, deliver the eulogy at my funeral. Laura, I have it in a word document titled, "Leslie's Eulogy". xoxoxox Love ya like a sista, but cha can't have m' man!!!

~LB