I know what some of you are thinking, 'But Leslie, what if I'm not married??? ' Then, count your blessings that you don't have to put up with all this B.S.!!! Go out and do something nice for yourself and don't ask anyone's permission to do so!!!
Now then, moving on. For your convenience, I've composed a bullet point presentation.
- Upping the Ante: This first move has to do with getting yourself out of trouble. Let's say you took your husband's car out one night and accidentally rammed into a grocery cart going 30 miles an hour. Here's what you do. Walk in the door, all upset and remorseful. Feign tears. Muster up the strength to tell your husband what happened, but make it sound waaaay worse than it is. Like such, "Jason, I'm so sorry....it's going to probably cost hundreds and hundreds of dollars to repair it---I mean, the car is absolutely mangled, I'm surprised I could drive it home". He goes out to assess the damages and sees that it's just a nasty scratch. And voila!!! He's pleasantly surprised that it's not nearly as bad as you lead him to believe. Problem diffused. Then, as the icing on the cake, you say, "-sniff, sniff--I was sure you were going to kill me". Then you walk away and take a bow for your stellar performance. Works every time. And ladies, if you've ever read my blog, you know that I can get myself into some seriously disastrous situations. I've mastered this technique.
- Rubbing Compound: Go to a hardware store and buy yourself some rubbing compound. I'll just leave it at that.
- One-Two-Switcheroo: This one can also be referred to as "Upping the Ante" but instead of damage control, you're excusing an unauthorized purchase.
Husband: Leslie, are those new shoes....I thought I told you NO SHOPPING this weekend.
Me: I know, I'm so sorry, but they were on sale and I couldn't help it.
Husband: How ON-SALE were they?
Me: Um...like...$125.
Husband: $125....SERIOUSLY??
Me: ha ha, just kidding, they were only $25.
Husband: Oh, ok then.
Me: (smirk). I'm telling you gals, work this technique into your repertoire and you'll have a new wardrobe by Summer's end.
- Pay up: Now, I'm not proud of this one. But, it works. Pay up works like this; Each time you buy something new for yourself, you have to...ahem...pay for it. If you catch my drift. If I buy a new outfit or a new pair of shoes, Jason will often say, "rules are rules"....and I have to cough up the appropriate payment. But there's a clause. I have to be wearing the said article while paying for it. Another version to "Pay Up" is if you buy something particularly sexy and you tell him that you bought it for him to enjoy. This doesn't typically work if you bought yourself a cardigan sweater or a mu mu.
- Big, Strong Man: This one comes in handy when you present him with a honey-do list. Jason loathes when I write out a list of chores for him, so I've switched up my technique a little. Instead of saying, "can you fix this, paint that and build me this", I now say, "Honey, I tried to paint the hallway and you know how sloppy I am, I just can't get it to look as good as you do...will you show me how you do it?" He falls for it every time! Every. Damn. Time! Obviously, I have no intentions of being 'shown' how to paint. He'll lose his patience with me and he'll wind up doing the whole thing himself. It's win win. He feels like a big, strong man and I get my hallway painted, hassle free! I know some of you feminists are annoyed that I'm using the old, 'I'm just a meek girl" trick. To which I say, "yeah, so?" It works, doesn't it?
- Worth Your While: This one is so easy, it's a crime. When you're trying to talk your husband into anything....(a vacation, having your mother stay the summer with you, new carpet...) you simply put your hand on his thigh and say, "I'll make it worth your while". Easy sleazy! Yes ladies, men are just that simple.
- Stroke the Ego: This one works when your man gets pissed at all the money you spend on yourself (highlights, mani/pedi, botox, etc.) Let's say he notices a $200 bill from the salon. You simply bring on the tears and say, "Sorry, not all of us can be as naturally good looking as you...some of us have to work on it a little". Wait for it....wait for it..... situation diffused. His ego is pumped up, you look hot. (win win).
- Plant the Seed: This one works like a gem when you want your spouse to want you. Let's say he hasn't been paying much attention to you. Let's say you've been working out like crazy and he's hardly noticed. You know how when a 3 yr old has no interest in a toy until someone else wants to play with it? It's exactly like that. Here's how it works, it can be as simple as, "Oh my Gawd...this guy at the pool was totally checking me out today...his bulging muscles were grossing me out". And thus, the seed is planted. He's caught on that another man was checking out his wife ---but the trick is NOT to flaunt it, but to simply mention it, like an after thought. Like, "oh nothing....just another day, another man stalking me...oh the hassle". He'll suddenly look at you in a new light and if he were a dog, he'd want to pee on you---to mark his territory and all.
- Feed 'em and F#ck 'em: This concept is simple enough. Shouldn't warrant much of an explanation, I would think. Of course, if you're a bit slow in the head, then I'll elaborate. Keep your man fed. Keep your man satisfied. That's about it. If they're happy in those two departments, the rest should fall into place for you. They really are simple creatures. They require attention, stroking, food & love. That shouldn't be too hard. Tell 'em they're awesome every so often. Walk by and give 'em a hug every so often. Pat them on the back for a job well done, every so often. Is that so hard?
Follow these simple steps and I can all but guarantee you'll have (whatever it is you're after) in no time.
Take that Dr. Laura Schlessinger! Don't even get me started on that broad.
2 comments:
Here's a good one I learned from my Mom. We would go shopping together. I would buy her what she wanted, she would buy me what I wanted. That way when we would be questioned by our husbands we could say "My Mom/daughter bought it for me" Not only do you get new stuff, you look really generous!
Uuuuhhhh Anonymous, whoever you are, you're an absolute GENIUS! I LOVE this one and I shall add it to my long list of trickery. You're my kind of gal. You rule.
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