LAFTER

Can you honestly remember laughing about something until you either cried, peed your pants, or couldn't speak? Honestly?

One of those silly email questionnaires came my way again and the ubiquitous question of 'when was the last time you laughed' came up. Without thinking, I assumed it was that day. Later that evening, I got to thinking about it. You know how I can get to thinking.... I wondered about a time when I laughed so hard that I cried. I mean, I laugh everyday. Not all-out belly laugh, but an occasional chuckle here and there. But I'm talking about those ridiculous, bend over and hold on to your crotch spells of laughter. Since I'm not terribly easy to amuse, only a few instances came to mind. I'll share.

I have to digress a bit for you get the whole picture. Last Summer I had to have radio active iodine treatment done on my freaky over-active thyroid. The dr. said the only drawback was that I couldn't be around my kids for a few days. Come again? You know on the Grinch when his frown gets pulled into an evil grin? That's what I looked like. I called two of my gal pals and whipped up a li'l party in no time flat. I had the foresight to plan my "treatment" the same weekend as my husband's annual family reunion. Now, with that said, I've been going to these things for 14 years and if you've ever had the pleasure of meeting me, I'm sure I've angled the family reunion into our conversation somehow. It's such a spectacle that there aren't enough words to describe what it entails. Basically, an entire day (8 AM-5 PM) of sitting out in the sweltering heat. There are a lot of games, prayers, hymns, etc. I adore these people, I do. It's just not really my scene is all. I'm not much of an outdoorsy girl as it is. Add heat, dirt & church to the mix and I start to wilt. So, you can imagine my eagerness to plan the "treatment" during this beloved weekend.

Fast forward 6 hours. I'm drunk as a skunk with my two pals in my kitchen. I made them all wear our "Jesus is Love" t-shirts which were our party gifts from the past 14 years of family reunions. We thought it would be a wise decision to get out my husband's yearbook and then leave him messages about various classmates. For example: (mind you, I could barely get the words out without breaking out into a hyena-type laughter, so my messages were barely audible, but still....) "Hi, Jason? This is Leslie (I love how I have to clear up any confusion about his wife's voice). Yeah. I'm just at home..... Hanging out..... Laura, Sarah & I met some old friends of yours. We're just here with Mike Spicozza.....yeah...(screaming laughter in the background)....and Joe Van Wyk. We're just listening to music (I can barely catch my breath between each sentence). Yeah, we met them at the bar. So, they're all here with me now. Ok, bye" and this went on for about 2 hours. Me, leaving ridiculous messages like this one, each one included different & random names of classmates---none of which my husband would ever want sitting in his home while he's not there, mind you. OMG, we laughed so hard. It's one of those times that I look back on and literally laugh out loud every time I think of that night. Oh the fun...

Another time that I look back on and LOL (even though I absolutely HATE when people over-use LOL and/or 'chillaxin'---as it makes me want to put a fondue skewer in your eye). Sadly enough, it was at my mother's funeral. I know, that makes me really, really sick, doesn't it? Well, for some random reason, her neighbor gave the eulogy. My sisters, step dad and I are all sitting in the front row, listening to this synopsis of my mother's life. Since she lived in a retirement community in North Carolina and none of us had lived with her in over 10 years, we really weren't a part of her day to day life, so it was interesting hearing about this person we only knew as "mom". Her neighbor was a very articulate woman and spoke with such inflexion in her voice. She was entertaining. I almost forgot we were listening to a story about my mother...at her funeral. Anyway, she told a 20 minute story about my mother's hats. "That Helen, you know she had over a dozen hats..and no two were alike..." It was borderline fascinating. Then she started talking about how my mom could dance. "And ohhhhhh could Helen dance. She danced in the kitchennnnn, she danced in the garagggge, she danced at our senior daaaances....oh, she just loved to dance...and daaaaance....and daaaaance...." My sister and I were dying. Dying. It started with a smirk. Then I know exactly what's coming. I try to control my retarded smile (I mean, what kind of person smiles at her mother's funeral?) Then my shoulders start shaking uncontrollably while I try to stifle a laugh). Then I catch my sister's face and all hell breaks loose. Ahh, good times.

Then there was the time my sister and I were invited to attend my mother's friend's wedding. She got married for the first time in her 50's. We were already ill at ease attending this wedding that we knew my mother would have loved to have attended. But as we're walking into the church, we see that the "get away" car was a chevy cavalier. My sister looks at me and says, "I can't do this". So, we go in, take our seats, pray that it's not a full mass and wait patiently for the bride to appear. In front of us sits an older gentleman who has his arm placed along the back of the pew. On his left hand, he has a nub for an index finger. No nail, no knuckle, just a nub. Normally, that sort of thing wouldn't have bothered me. But, that it was right under my nose, waggling it's absurdity in my face, coupled with the fact that we'd had a few cocktails before the blessed event, just about sent me into a tizzy. We starred at that damn nub for the entire ceremony. I couldn't even tell you if the bride wore white. We were absolutely crying. Tears, rolling down our faces, shoulders shaking, digging our fingernails into our own legs, etc. Oh, we looked like quite a sight as we pranced through the receiving line. We got the hell out of there and skipped the reception. It was for the best.

Those are just a glimpse of some of the most hilarious moments in my past decade