As it pertains to sex after child birth:
It was like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.
As it pertains to people I don't care for:
My husband: Would it kill you to be nice to (insert name)
Me: Why risk it?
As it pertains to my husband suggesting I get a job
But, when would I watch tv?
As it pertains to my husband threatening to kick me out
What....And give alllll this up? (spreading my hands out and referencing the laundry & dishes)
As it pertains to being bored out of my mind at a party/wedding/baby shower
Frankly, I'm having the time of my life (to be said with an expressionless face)
As it pertains to someone thanking me for a kind gesture
It was the most I could do.
As it pertains my 4 years spent at Western Michigan University
I don't know. I can barely remember graduating.
As it pertains to gossiping
If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit next to me.
As it pertains to someone having buck teeth
She could eat corn on the cob through a fence, I'm telling you, she could.
Someone commenting/asking how long Jason and I have been married 10 years. We we've been happy for 6. (I say this, smile and walk away--it's a riot)
Someone mentioning how beautiful the bride is
I know, she's hardly even showing (again, I smile and walk away. I've gotten into a wee bit of trouble over this one)
As it pertains to receiving an atrocious gift
You shouldn't have. No really.
As it pertains to someone trying to impress me
Wow. That's fascinating. That is, unless I just confused fascinating with bored shitless.
As it pertains to someone asking my 3 year old what his name is
Don't ask him difficult questions, you're just confusing him. He's not bright.
As it pertains to someone announcing their pregnancy
Oh Gawwwd. (usually I'll wrinkle my nose in disgust) Why would you do THAT???
As it pertains to someone telling they're about to start planning a family
Run for your life. It's too late for me, but you can save yourself!!!
As it pertains to punishing my kids
Just you wait until your real father finds out about this.
As it pertains to the ubiquitous question of how many children I have
Three. One of each.
For when I ask my server if I can get the rest of my meal wrapped up or boxed. This is perfect for when I've eaten everything on the plate except for a piece of parsely. It kills. Everytime! But the trick is to say it in a very non-chalant way.
As it pertains to someone (I don't much care for) insisting we ' simply must get together sometime'.
Come on now, let's not get carried away.
As it pertains to my doctor asking me if I need a refill....on anything.
Don't be ridiculous. You know better.
As it pertains to my chiropractor telling me that my hips are uneven. Then, I guess I should change my name to Eileen, huh? (I have used this at least 25 times and surprisingly, it never elicits the laughter that I would expect--whatever, it's hilarious)
Believe it or not, I actually get away with 99% of these smart ass comments.
1 comment:
The Eileen is hilarious.. I'm laughing out loud!
I like the how long have you been married, I tend to say, really I suffered that long.
One that I also use is when I hear people are getting married (like the pregnant people you talk to) I say to young girls DON'T DO IT, be sure to do financial planning and scheduled sex night. I try to work them up into a frenzy of being frightened.
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