Grow a pair, Leslie!

I'm so wishy washy. It's the absolute least favorable attribute of mine. I'm so easily influenced, I could be the poster child for peer pressure in an after school special. Here's how I envision the script rolling:

Friend: Here, try some drugs, Leslie
Me: No thank you. I'm morally opposed to drugs.
Friend: Just try it.
Me: Ok. Don't mind if I do.

It's just that simple. No backbone. No spine. No chutzpah. This has been a problem of mine from childhood to present day. I'm not sure where or what it stems from. Clearly, if you've read even one blog entry, you'll note that I have no problem speaking my mind, so why the eagerness to follow someone else's lead? Good old fashioned insecurities, I guess. I let everyone else become my guide. For whatever reason, I question my own judgement and most often I'll substitute others' opinions for my own. My inner dialogue might sound like this, "well, obviously my opinion doesn't count so I'd better listen to this homeless person's". Apparently I think so little of myself that I'm constantly in search of others' affirmation and encouragement.

As a child, on through early adulthood, my sister was the gauge that I'd use to measure my own values. If she'd decided that 'red' was out, you can bet the next day, I'd be schlepping every red thing from my house and down to the curb. If she'd awaken one day, only to realize that poison ivy was the next big thing, better believe I'd be rolling in it by lunchtime. Gawd, I'm pathetic....just seeing this written annoys me. I annoy myself. Once I finally moved 2 hours away from her and our relationship dwindled down to nothing, only then was I able to shake the influential hold she had over me. I slowly began relying on my own judgement. Not to say that I don't slip back into it from time to time.

Motherhood is another facet of my life that leaves me questioning myself. When my kids were little, I always let someone else dictate when to introduce new things and when to taketh away. I was so afraid of someone saying, "can you believe Leslie still lets her kids fill-in-the-blank". Insecurity is a real bitch! When Gabe was 2, I still had him in a high chair because.....well, for no other reason than it was easier for me if he was contained while he ate. That is, until my friend, Kristi came over and mentioned that he was old enough to be sitting at the table with the rest of the family. Picture me hauling the high chair down to the basement at 1 AM. Because naturally, who better to assess my 2 yr old's needs than someone who has never seen him eat. Fast forward to the next day, Gabe is sitting in a booster chair at our kitchen table, flinging bananas on the floor, feeding our dog, crawling onto the table, crawling under the table, etc. Damn you, Kristi. Damn you, I say! But, that's so typical of me. I wish I was strong enough to say, "um, yeah..no".

This [said] flaw of mine could really come in handy, let's say, at a sleep over. "Leslie, you should totally steal your mom's vodka, shimmey down the fire escape, steal your mom's car, pick up our boyfriends and bring them back here. Oh---and by the way, you should cut your hair first. We hear mullets are making a big come back". Me: do you really think so? Oh, I was popular, alright. Have I ever mentioned that I was suspended for mooning a school bus during gym class? You think I came up with that brilliant idea on my own?

Even today, I have a very strong tendency to listen to everyone else's opinions instead of my own inner voice.

Me: This Christmas tree sweater is so ugly!
Friend: No, it looks great on you.
Me: You're right. I never thought of it like that. I love my Christmas tree sweater.

Note to reader: Now that this is out in the open, kindly refrain from talking me into bad haircuts or triple dog dares. God knows I'll do it. Well, that's not all together true. No one (and I mean no one) would ever be able to talk me into home schooling or scrap booking. Even I draw the line somewhere.

A born follower,
Leslie