"Drinking: Pro's (Like Me) and Cons!"

Ann will start today as she believes I hogged the blog (that sounds so European, doesn't it??? "I hogged the blog and he was great!" So early for my humor!) yesterday. I'll be writing in red...

First, I’m a big fan of drinking. I’ve been getting after it since I was approximately 14 years old with the exception of 2 pregnancies. I am absolutely, unequivocally not an alcoholic (the first step is admitting the problem). I know when to say when (what she really means is she knows when to stop pouring in her glass so it doesn’t spill over the top and force her to quickly move her head so that the drips go directly into her mouth) and I rarely black out (anymore). I can easily go weeks and weeks without drinking (remember, time passes veerrryyy slowly when you are a stay at home mom….weeks to her mean hours really) and not think twice about it. But then the opportunity presents itself and ohhhhhh, look out, me likey me drinky. Now, I didn’t begin as such a seasoned drinker. Like the rest of you, I began at an early age. You know, the sloppy, crying, falling down, grabbing onto you, repetitive, annoying chick that everyone hates. That was me. Over the years, I was able to handle myself more appropriately and I proudly developed into a sloppy, slutty, repetitive, argumentative, aggressive chick . But now, I’m proud to say that I’ve dropped all the previously mentioned habits and now I just drink and tell secrets and loudly, at that (and dance, and ride your childrens’ bikes and scooters around the neighborhood, jump on trampolines topless and finally, dress your dog up in hideous outfits and photograph her).

Here are some pros and cons to drinking….according to me:

Pros:

1. It’s fun
2. It numbs me
3. It allows me to do and say things I wouldn’t normally do or say
4. It gives me liquid courage
5. I find myself even more charming and amusing than I normally am
6. According to my previous statement, it evidently gives me a false sense of security too

Cons:
1. The word “oops” becomes a regular part of my repertoire
2. The first thing out of my mouth the next morning is typically, “are you mad at me”
3. Killer hangovers (can’t exactly bite the snake that bit you when you have 2 little kids. Well, you could, but your oldest would probably tell his principal and your mother in law would end up raising your kids).
4. It often results in pregnancy
5. which often results in children
6. There are these nasty little devices that often accompany drinking. They are called cameras and the raw footage that ensues is often atrocious.
7. My boobs pop out a lot when I drink.
8. Police don’t like me when I drink.
9. I usually get a disgusting rat’s nest in the back of my head when I drink.
10. I spill things a lot when I drink.
11. I admit things to people that really ought to be kept to myself.
12. I lose feeling in my lips, which by itself isn't necessarily bad, but can turn ugly when applying lipliner & stick.

OK, so evidently the cons outweigh the pros, but in the end, isn’t it all relative? (hint: I always say that when I can’t make a point).