We’re writing this blog for therapeutic reasons mostly, but we are wicked funny and strongly believe you will not only enjoy, but also benefit from our writing, rants, jokes or whatever else we may post on a daily basis.
First, you should know a little about the two of us to determine whether or not you will want to read further. If we don’t share the same interests, humor, backgrounds, and favorite beverage choice, then we really won’t get along and there is simply no sense in wasting anymore of your precious time. In a nutshell, this is us:
Lee – The older of the two and the oldest of three girls.
Ann – The baby of the family.
Lee – Typical first child – used to be an overachiever, but now struggles to be anywhere on time. On her second marriage with a blended family of six (yes I wrote 6) kids and a dog who I love more than my family, except of course for Ann. I am a recovering corporate executive who is now a business owner with my husband, who is also recovering from corporate America. By all accounts, our family is pretty fortunate and many would say I have nothing to complain about. I say what’s the sense in getting up in the morning if you can’t complain?!? I'm in therapy and am medicated, but not enough if you ask me.
Ann – Typical baby of the family….you write the rest. OK, per Lee’s explicit instructions, here is where I’m supposed to add my two cents. Despite her opinions, I am not the typical baby of the family. When I think of “the baby” I generally envision a spoiled, precious angel whom everyone dotes on. I’ve never been that person. Well, not since I was 8 months old, anyway. I’ll get into my place in the family at a later date. It’s much too early for us to go there. I don’t have the strength. By the way (and this is tres important) whenever Lee and I use the word ‘strength’ it must, must, must be pronounced like this, “strawn-th”….just so we’re all on the same page. Now then, onward-- I am a married, stay-at-home mother to 2 little boys. Before that, I enjoyed a myriad of jobs ranging from social work at a non-profit Jewish agency to planning Bar/Bat Mitvahs. Not quite an underachiever, but certainly not an overachiever. Now that I’m (mostly) an adult with my own home & family, it’s much easier now for Lee and I to delve into our former dysfunctional lives. They seem to be somewhat comical now…that is, now that we’re not living the hellish nightmare anymore. I haven’t lived in the same household (or region) with Lee for over 24 years, so all we have are our memories to go by. Our relationship is mainly via telephone or email, but it’s my lifeline and I’d be lost without her. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. As for the purpose of this blog, we’ve spent so many hours, days & years laughing until we cry over inside jokes, overly-dramatized scenarios, scathing emails to CMS (crazy middle sister) and the like. Finally, Lee came to me and suggested that we share our wicked minds with the world. I jumped on board before my nails dried! The rest is history.
Here is our idea of the most perfect evening: Our guests are Kathy Griffin and Kristen Wiig, both of whom we believe are our long lost sisters because everything we think, Kathy says and Kristen’s comedic ways are quite similar to ours. It’s true, I’d sell my soul to spend an evening with Kathy Griffin & Kristen Wiig, but I’d add David & Amy Sedaris to the mix as well, just for good measure. We laugh for hours while entertaining one another with stories and jokes all while drinking our favorite cocktail. Lee’s favorites are veeerrrrry dirty martini’s, up, with blue cheese or feta stuffed olives. When I mean dirty, I mean my hands are swollen from the olive juice before I finish my first drink. My other favorite is a pomegranate cosmo made with the perfect blend of PAMA liquor, cointreau and lime juice. De-lish. Ann favors…… Mostly beer. I’m fancy that way. Although, I do love, love, love a good bloody mary. But, I typically don’t favor vodka, only because it often brings out an unbecoming side of myself, which includes, but is not limited to; making up stories about my husband beating me, dirty dancing that appears to be sexy only in my head and slurring insults at my best friends.
Ann & I do NOT think that George Clooney is the bomb. We would however, chuck everything for 5 minutes with Edward Burns. I'd even share, which Ann will tell you (repeatedly) is something I just don't do. Ummmm hmmm--true that!
We are both very controlling and like everything just so. Some say it’s a character flaw, but we believe it’s part of our charm. [read, we’re not changing]. Both of us love to read, but have very different tastes in books. Neither of us is very athletic, but we own lots of workout clothes. We’re really much, much, much too busy to work out regularly, but we are committed to trying to squeeze in a little more for ourselves. Just as soon as we finish our books/magazines/newsletters and a snack.
We were born and raised in the Midwest in a highly dysfunctional family of five, plus two dogs. We were the only Jewish family in our neighborhood and so naturally, the only Jews in school. We weren’t the minority family however. No, that was the Mitchell’s, the only black family at our school. Everyone else was as white and Christian as you could get. Which is why Ann, MS, and I all married non-Jews. I married two Catholics and one year ago, joined the other team when I became a Catholic myself. Since then my life has been wine and roses (this is me being sarcastic, get used to it). Dad was a cop until he got hurt on the job and had to retire with a disability. This was the beginning of a very long and unhappy childhood for all of us, and, on the bright side, the reason we are writing. There’s a lot of humor in dysfunction, IF you know where to look for it. We hope you’ll be as amused as we have been traumatized.
Mom was a beautician/homemaker/real estate agent who wanted nothing more in life than to be a mom then a grandmother, exactly in that order. Considering who she was married to, she did a pretty good job on the mom part, but her role as a grandmother was cut short when she passed away at age 60. We really miss the “old girl” as my son once referred to her.
Ann and I live in different states in the Midwest, but are as thick as thieves. If we lived near one another, we’d probably convince our husbands to buy a really big house so we could all live together, kind of like the family on “Big Love” except there would be 1 husband for each wife, and no partner swapping. Unless it was our idea.
Tune in tomorrow. Our topic will be whatever made us laugh or piss us off. Probably both. But not in the same sentence. Who knows, maybe tomorrow Lee will allow me more than 4 sentences. We really are fun-loving girls, once you get to know us. In the event that you don't care for our writing style, forward us to someone who will. If you find yourself in need of a mediator, a sounding board or just getting something off your chest, go ahead, we're listening. Remember, if you don't have anything to say, come hang out with us! Ciao for now!
LeeAnn
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