Gang Wars

First, let me first start by telling you that I'm living among the gang world. Not Bloods or Crips, mind you see. No, these gangs go by the street names, "Cable" & "Satellite". They're a vicious bunch.

It all started when we left Charter (our local cable company) a few years back because my husband thought it would be cool to have a satellite dish. Well, as a result we had to get "jumped" out of our contract, but nevertheless, we made the switch, knives and all. Not 2 weeks into having the satellite, problems occurred. We figured it was a fluke, had it repaired, and so forth. Then another repair. Then another repair. Then another repair. We started realizing that each time the wind blew (literally) it blew our satellite out of whack. And that ain't whack, yo. So finally another tech comes to visit and he asks me if I ever see Charter vans around here. Well, there ARE 1100 homes in this neighborhood, don't you think it's a little arrogant to assume everyone has Dish? So, I tell him that yes, from time to time I'll notice a Charter vehicle or two. He nods his head all knowingly and he decides he can trust me, so he lets me in on a little secret.

Allegedly, Charter has been known to "cut" the satellite lines, as, you know, a prank. "Yeah, they don't much like us, those Charter guys", he tells me. "Started a few years ago, when we moved our offices over near their headquarters. Even now, I'll wave to them if I pass them on the road (it would only be ethical, after all), but now ( he shakes his head for effect) , they won't even wave back". I'm staring at this guy like I'm waiting for his story to continue, but I guess that's the end. So, I say, "...they. don't. wave . back?" Nope, he sighs all dramatically. Whatever. I shoo him off to fix our satellite, I can't be bothered with such ugliness. Then, I got to imagining. You know how I like to imagine things. So, I'm envisioning Charter vs. Dish in my front yard, except they're all circling around my big Oak tree, bouncing and snapping their fingers...."when you're a Jet, you're a Jet..." I had a chuckle over that, my imagery.

So, fast forward 2 long years and we have successfully made the switch back to Charter because, well, Charter is dope, yo, what with the Charter on Demand and whatnot. So I had a window between 8 A.M. and Noon. Coke bottle glasses with red hair shows up at 12:30. He drove me nuts the moment he arrived. First of all he was late, so after noon, I assumed he wasn't coming and I went about my day. My 3 yr old peed his pants, I went upstairs to find him new undies & shorts, in the meantime, he's downstairs naked from the waist down, the doorbell rings, he, of course, answers the door (naked) even though I don't allow my kids to answer the door. None the less, my 85 lb Lab bursts through the door, my son is telling him to come in, but the guy doesn't want to considering he's naked. And 3. So, I hear all the ruckus and I come running down the stairs. To my horror, I find my naked son in the foyer and an empty beer bottle on the floor by his feet.

Now, I swear to you this is true. My older son was performing a magic trick of sorts the night before for Aunt Sarah and it required a bottle and a ring. He asked if he could borrow a beer bottle, I told him to rinse one out from the recycle bin and he could use it. It seemed innocuous enough. When he put away the magic kit, he put the beer bottle away with it. So that's where that came from. But I digress.

So, coke bottle glasses with red hair is staring at the naked child, the beer bottle and me. Not to mention my house was tore apart. It's not easy keeping it tidy when you're confined to your home with a 3 yr old from 8-12. I was mortified. I was fairly certain he was using his Nextel to phone in a report to CPS. Well, long story short, he was here for over 5 hours and exactly nothing got done. He asked me question after question about "burying lines" and "tapping into wires" and all this jibberish. I didn't know why he was asking MY advice, seeing as though I hired HIM. He was a real putz, this guy. After 5 hours I was slumped on the couch with my chin in my hand asking him how to use this intricate, fancy new system and he tells me, I swear to you this is true, "I don't really know, this is only the 2nd one I've ever installed".

But that's not where this story ends. It ends with a hairy little caterpillar that came into my home and into my heart that day. He must have gotten a ride in on Coke bottle's boot, bless his heart. I will continue on with my trials and tribulations with this caterpillar in a subsequent blog. For, my hands are cramping.