Occupations I'd have considered if it weren't for these pesky kids.

Occupations I'd have considered if it weren't for these pesky kids.

1. A Psychic--the benefits of my being psychic are exponential. For starters, I could find lost items. Also, I could save money on caller id and GPS. Not to mention how popular I'd be. Peeps would be lining up to be my friend. The obvious downside of being psychic is their wardrobe. It's too bohemian and wizard-freaky for me. I could be an urban psychic. Yes, an Urban Psychic.

2. A Private Investigator. I don't like to toot my own horn (even though I do) but I'd make a killer P.I. Anyone who's got the 411 on police lingo knows that detectives are also referred to as, "Dicks". That alone would be worth the ugly uniforms and sexual harassment. When I was a wee lass, I wanted so badly to be Jodi Foster in Silence of the Lambs. I actually had aspirations to join the FBI. --Apparently, they're selective about who they bring onto the force and whatnot. What, with my spotty past and all, I decided let that dream go up in smoke. But, nevertheless, I think I'd put Nancy Drew to shame with my super sleuthiness.

3. A bartender in a really cool club. How fun would that be? Literally getting paid to Par-Tay. Men would be fawning all over me, screaming my name, throwing money at me, dying for my attention. It would be like being a stripper, minus all the whorish stuff.

4. Paris Hilton. So that we're clear, she gets paid--a lot of money-- to show up to clubs, drinks, shakes her ass a little, makes out with random people and then goes home. Yep, where do I apply? I have a ton of experience in all of these capacities...I should be a shoo in.

5. Food critic. I don't really think this warrants an explanation.

6. Brangelina's nanny. Just 'cause.

7. Pharmacist. Mary, Joseph and all the Saints. Imagine the accessibility. I'd sleep so happily and peacefully at night, in my little white coat, on a pillow filled with pills. Blue ones, yellow ones, white ones, uppers, downers, anti-anxiety, anti-depressants.... I'd feel like a kid in a candy store. I wonder how strict they are on "ethics" in pharmacist schools.

That's it. I really have no other aspirations. I wasn't much of a go-getter to begin with. I'm proud of myself for even getting up this morning.