tots & poisonous dots

A revised Saturday Night Live skit

Do you remember that SNL from the 80's in which Jane Curtin plays a talk show host who interviews the owner of a toy company and they're looking at hot new toys for the Christmas season? The toy store owner (whom I believe is played by Bill Murray) proudly displays his ever-popular "Bag of Rusty Nails" which promises hours of fun and entertainment. Or the box filled with shards of glass and finally, the teddy bear with real razor blades for paws. It was a classic.

Unbeknown to me, I'd become a spokesperson for an incredibly dangerous toy. You may recall Aqua Dots. They swept the nation for most of 2007. My children went ape shit over them so, I figured they'd be perfect gifts for the 8,000 birthday parties my boys got invited to. They were relatively inexpensive. They kept my children contained & entertained and lastly they encouraged creativity. Eureka! I've found it. The perfect gift. For months, I was receiving phone calls and notes, telling me how much Suzy and Scotty were enjoying their Aqua Dots. I took full credit for my stellar gift giving. It was like a little pat on my back.

Until. Until my husband called me one morning and asked if our kids still played with Aqua Dots. I looked over at my son who was intensely working on his aqua dots masterpiece. I inquired about my husband's sudden interest in our aqua dots. He made a few comments about my being totally unconnected to the real world (the one that exists outside my kitchen) and while I was wondering when the last time I watched the news or read a paper, he tells me that all over Newsweek, CNN and every radio station were reports of GHB being found in Aqua Dots. For those of you who didn't experiment in college, GHB is a fancy acronym for the date-rape drug. Apparently children were swallowing the aqua dots (which bore an uncanny resemblance for little candy juju bees) and were winding up in a coma or worse, dead. I grabbed the beloved aqua dots away from my child and threw them in the garbage. It was shortly after that that the phone calls started.

Caller 1: Yeah. Leslie. Can you please give me a call. I am watching the Today show and there is something going on with these Aqua Dots, can you just let me know where you bought them?

Caller 2: Leslie, I can only assume that Ben plans to date rape Annie. What the hell is up with these aqua dots?

Caller 3: Well, it's official. The Chinese have it out for us. Call me....that is, if you're not too busy whipping up a Chlorophyll IV kit for Riley's birthday party next week.

WTF???? I imagine a dozen or so China men sitting around a board room table. "Let's see....hmmmm, what on earth can we use to make these little beads stick together? Oh, I've got it....that chemical that American teenagers use to get frigid girls in bed"!!!

It goes without saying, we've been invited to less parties this year. A shame too, because I've got the most darling plastic bag, just waiting to be given to a special birthday boy or girl. Everyone knows what fun a plastic bag can be. There's no telling where the fun will end when a child gets his hands on a plastic bag. I may have gone too far just then. It happens.