My weekend with my 85 year old stepfather

Oh. My. Gawd. For a brief re-cap, I recommend that you go back to archived blogs and read the one entitled, "Helen's homecoming" to get the full effect of what I went thru last weekend.

I haven't seen my step dad, Jack in 4 years. He didn't stay with me then, he just blew into town for a few hours, then drove back to my sister's house, 2 hours away to stay with her. Because that particular sister is a crazed lunatic, he chose to stay with me this time.

I was so excited. I hadn't seen him in ages. I went grocery shopping and bought all of his favorite things. I was anxious for his visit because I wanted to see him, but also because I looked forward to being close to him because he reminds me of my mom. I was so hoping that his stay would bring on a 'presence' from my mother. I thought, if ever she'd decide to 'visit' me, now would be the time. As it turns out, she has waayyy better things to do than 'visit' me while her widowed husband was here. She was all, "hell, I put up with his crap for 18 years, you can deal with it for a weekend. Peace out".

I should probably preface the following paragraph by stating that Jack, again, is 85 years old and basically doesn't give a hoot what anyone thinks about him. I find that to be partially embarrassing, yet partially endearing. I admire his chutzpah. I can't wait until I'm old enough to be able to say whatever the hell I feel like saying without enduring the consequences. Anyway, I should also mention that Jack gets very fixated on certain topics. He's a bit of a "one-upper". If you have a cold, he has meningitis. You get the idea. Whatev. He's earned the right. He's 85 for Christ's sake. So, I've learned that there's certain topics that you can NOT mention. Unless you want to die a slow death.
1. cars
2. music
3. health
4. abortion
5. religion

If you should happen to own a car with a fancy name, be it a Porsche, BMW, Mercedes, Saab, Cadillac, Lincoln, etc. etc... He'll tell you for no less than 3 hours why his (taurus, malibu, sonata) is superior. Trust me on this one.

He believes any music made after the big bang era is worthless. Don't even go there.

If you've ever suffered from any sort of disorder or disease, he's already had it---and worse. So don't bother

If you should ever bring up your stand on abortion (pro life) he'll immediately ask you how many unwanted babies you're going to adopt. It's the same schtick every time. He is very pro-woman & very pro-choice and he is very vocal about that fact. Gotta love it. However, he lives in the deep South and one of these days he's going to bark up the wrong tree with regard to his stand on being pro-choice. I can't believe he hasn't been shot yet.

Religion. Oh, where do I begin? OK, Jack is a non-practicing Jew. He believes that anyone who remotely practices religion has been brainwashed. You cannot dispute this with him. I've learned. This is why I keep him away from my in-laws. And my husband. And my children. And the general public.

OK, so are you getting the general jist of things here? He gets very fixated on certain topics and you can't sway him. Very sensitive topics, I might add. You cannot differ in opinion from him, or he'll talk you to death trying to convince you otherwise. I used to goat him as a teenager. Now, I don't have the strength. So, after a few hours with him, I just started treated him like one of my children and I tuned him out. God love him.

Here are some of jack's famous expressions (I've known Jack since 1985 and trust me, these sayings have been incorporated into each and every conversations he's ever had):

Dig you later----his goofy way of saying, "see you later".

I told you I loved you, now get the hell out---his endearing way of saying "good-bye"

You're so good to me since the baby---he says this whenever someone serves him food. We still don't get it.

I said it and I'm glad--he always says this after he burps.

Says each his own---his wacky way of saying, 'to each his own'.

Dah Doo Day---he says this when he doesn't know what else to say.

She had freckles on her but, I loved her----another filler, for when he doesn't know what else to say.

I'm changing my image---he says this whenever he shaves or grows out his facial hair

You're still in the Guess Jeans fad---he freaks if he thinks I'm wearing a certain brand or label. He insists I only wear labels to uphold an image of myself. For the record, I haven't worn Guess jeans since roughly 1986. He almost had a seizure when he saw my son wearing a Polo shirt. I might have done that on purpose.

"Ya motha had great legs"---he loves to reminisce about my mom's legs. I think it's the only part of her he misses.

It only hurts when I laugh---I haven't figured out when or why he says this, but he says it a lot!

You can bet your ass he said each and every one of these expressions within the first hour of his arrival. He was just so darn excited to have an excuse to use them. Nothing ever changes with that man. For starters, how many of you know an 85 year old that simply gets in the car and decides to drive from S. Carolina to Michigan, just for kicks? He has XM radio in his car, he works it like a donkey, too! He emails, he uses GPS. The dude is cool. (a bit redundant and predictable, but cool). I swear, he'll outlive all of us. We don't really think he's human. We think he has a laundry list of expressions, like a robot and he just uses them interchangeably.

Anyhoot---now go read "Helen's Homecoming"....just for kicks. She's an oldie, so you'll have to go back quite a bit into the archives.

Ima bounce.
LB