The Minneapolis post mortem

Adam, our "driver" and me. Taking this photo of us resulted in him running a stop sign and nearly killed us.

I just got back from a weekend in Minneapolis. It was filled with debauchery from the moment we arrived until moments before we left.

I'll recap. It was my brother in law's SURPRISE 50th birthday, but the only real surprise was that my beautiful sister is married to, in fact, a 50 yr old. All joking aside, he's most lovely. He and my sister (the one who initially started this blog with me and then bailed) are quite the party people. It's why I love them so.

The weekend began with seeing a well-worth-the-money Ron White show. We were center stage and in the 6th row. Oh. Yes. We. Were. He's a filthy, dirty pig, who swills scotch and smokes cigars like it's his job. Oh. Wait. It IS his JOB!!!! The man has literally become a ka-trillionaire simply for simply being rude and sarcastic while he drinks & smokes. Where's the justice???? I wouldn't go as far as to say he's good looking, but ladies, you can't help but to get a little smitten when he's talking about pulling your hair while doing you from behind. He's a gentleman, that way. Yada yada yada, the show was over, my husband and I gambled as much money at the casino as we possibly could in one evening and then we called it a night.

The following night was the big par-tay. 300 of their closest friends were invited to this shin dig, and a shin dig it was! My see-ster rented some yacht (the Excelsior or some bullshit) to tool us around Lake Minnetonka all while dancing, dining and drinking. Mostly drinking as I can't recall putting anything into my mouth besides a funnel of booze. I know most of their friends..... a fun crowd indeed! See-ster's girlfriends are legendary and I love them like my own. They've taken me on as an honorary member of their tribe....I'm their Michigan affiliate. I'm like the baby sister they've always had but never wanted. So, with all that said, here are my favorite highlights of the weekend (at least from what I can remember).

Night #1. (Ron White @ the Casino)

• I saw a woman hold a fork with just her ring finger and thumb. Starred at her like she was a zoo animal, asked if I could take a picture with her because I was so intrigued by her eating habits.

• Was convinced I saw Ron White at the bar and basically assaulted him until I realized it was just a heavy woman with a bad dye job, wearing men's clothing.
  
  

• Sat in front of a woman wearing a crown & sash that read "Miss Feline Rescue". She stood on a chair waving at no one in particular and I couldn't stop starring at her. Often I get fixated on people and it becomes borderline psychotic.
  

• Lost miserably at black jack and told the dealer that I hated his fucking guts. Almost got kicked out.

• Heard through the grapevine that Ron White was gambling after the show. I set out on an obnoxious quest to find him. I'll admit, I get a little star struck. No matter where I went in the casino, the crowd would tell me, "Ohhhh, you JUST missed him". I think they were fucking with me. You know how the crowd can get.... By the end of the night, I was like a rabid dog, pacing back and forth trying to find him. I wonder what I would have done, had I actually located him. What? Make him sign my boob?....most likely I'd have stuttered like a freak and then crept away.

On the way home, the four of us discussed at length, who in Hollywood prefers anal sex. We all agreed that Oprah and Steadman FOR SURE and also Oprah and Gayle. Oprah's down with it.

Night #2 (surprise party on the boat)

• After nearly slipping about 40 times that day because I can't lie and I can't keep a secret worth a damn, lest when I'm drunk, which I typically am, I practically pushed my bro in law onto the boat just to get the frigging surprise over with. I was tired of it being all about him.
• I found my newly come-out-of-the-closet lesbian couple and immediately told the dark haired one that she looked just like Lois Lane. Really? That's all I could come with? Lois Lane? Ummm....1978 called...
  
  

• Later I offered up my uterus to the lesbian couple, should they ever want children. Apparently it didn't occur to me that it was the penis they needed, not the uterus. Gawd, I'm stupid when I drink.
  
  
• I smooshed my 12 year old nephew's head into my boobs, just for kicks.
  
  
  
• I pretended to be Julie from the Love Boat while greeting people at the door.
  
  
• I told people that my husband was Isaac from the Love Boat (he is neither black nor a bartender).

• I walked around with my black satin pants unzipped for most of the night, unbeknownst to me.
  
  
• When I realized the lesbian's didn't really need me, I offered up my husband's dick. Cut out the middle man, so to speak. Always one to help out a friend, I am.
  
• Peed on myself in the teeny-tiny bathroom.
• When the lesbians told me they wanted to adopt a Guatemalan baby I shrieked, "WHAT IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU WANT ONE OF THOSE FOR......"???? and then calmly walked away.
• Told my brother in law's oldest & dearest friend that he looked like a game show host. And then I proceeded to call him Wink Martindale all night. As in, "Hey Winkie, get over here, you crazy kook"!!!!! I thought I was hilarious. Wink...not so much.

• Took the captain's hat off his head and then shimmeyed in front of him.
  
  
• Called "shot-gun" in the town car on the way home, just so I could sit up front with the hot driver. Evidently, he ran a stop sign because I had my head in his lap, trying to take a picture of the two of us together (see attached photo). Nevermind my husband was in the back seat.
  

That about wraps up my weekend. A good time was had by all. I don't think we'll be welcomed back to the Twin Cities anytime soon!