I found a new pediatrician after our old one chastized me for calling her after hours number for something as mundane as a cough....Anyhoot~
It took blood, sweat and tears for me to get my boys into this highly recommended, highly regarded practice. By the skin of my teeth, I finally got accepted as a new patient, so for no good reason, I felt I had to have the boys as clean and shiny as a new penny for their appointments (not entirely easy to do during the filthy Summer months).
I was in such a hurry to get there (first impressions, you know) when I finally looked down at my children in the waiting room, I was amazed to see that Ben had purple popsicle all over his grubby hands and Gabe's red popsicle had melted all down his arm (albeit 3 hours earlier) and wound up all over the back of his khaki shorts. He went to bed with his hair wet last night, so it was sticking up every which way and his bare legs were revealing a myriad of cuts, bites, bumps and bruises, also consistent with the Summer months.
Again, I'm trying to frantically clean up the boys before our new Dr. comes in. He shows up and he's all polite and so forth. After he goes over the logistics (height/weight, etc) he begins to ask my 6 yr old about bicycle safety. For the record, my Benny is a helmet geek. He even wears his helmet while riding his bike through our plush, grassy yard. So, doc asks if he wears a helmet and Ben answers, "well, only on the really, really busy streets".
Doc: Heh hem....ummm you should really wear it all the time, Ok Buddy?
Doc: What kind of milk do you buy?
Me: Skim
Doc: Do they drink much of it?
Me: Oh yeah, all the time, they are huge milk drinkers. (For the record, I wasn't even lying...they ARE milk drinkers)!
Ben: We love pop, LOVE IT! (Ok, my boys only drink pop when they're with their Grandmother and even then it's rare). So, he continues to go on about Stranger Danger, Sunscreen, Car Seats, etc. I assure him that our motto is "safety first". On cue, Gabe tells him that he loves fireworks, they're soooooo loud and soooooo pretty and very hot! What could I do? I just pinched the bridge of my nose and shook my head. So, then Doc wants to check the bottoms of their feet. WHY??? WHY??? What do you think, that I made them walk on hot coals before we came? Why, in the middle of June, when the boys did NOT have a bath last night and they're both wearing black flip flops would a doctor choose then to check the bottoms of their feet? I contemplated faking my own death at that point, I was so embarrassed.
Me: Oh, uh, yeah, those darn flip flops make their feet appear sooooo dirty, but they aren't, I swear....I SWEAR...WHAT?????
Doc: uh huh. Ok see you in about a year.
Now, I'm wondering if I should go back to the old doctor.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
I met a gay.
I've waited most of my adult life to befriend a gay and it finally happened. The most charming fellow works at TJ Maxx. He's darling and he likes to chat me up. During some of my futile shopping trips, we've discussed, Kathy Griffin (love her), Barbara Walters, John & Kate plus 8, Little People, Tori Spelling, dog sitting for his vacationing friends, the fact that my 3 year old calls me by my first name (Leslie), etc. etc. He humors me, I humor him, it's mutual. I get his advice on manly things and the like.
On my way home from the store, I began day dreaming about the two of us becoming close friends. We'd go out for drinks, my husband wouldn't even care, because after all, he's gay. Although, my new friend refers to himself as "Happy", not gay. Now, I don't know him from anything, but I think he's kinda bitchy, which is most favorite attribute. I'd imagine he's the critical type who would judge everyone in our line of vision. He shall be a bridesmaid in my next wedding, because he's got flair and all.... I'd even bring him to Bunko with me, to show him off to my lady friends.....he'd be my "show & tell". Awe!
I'm off to clear a space in the basement. He might want to become roommates, once we get to know each other a tad better.
On my way home from the store, I began day dreaming about the two of us becoming close friends. We'd go out for drinks, my husband wouldn't even care, because after all, he's gay. Although, my new friend refers to himself as "Happy", not gay. Now, I don't know him from anything, but I think he's kinda bitchy, which is most favorite attribute. I'd imagine he's the critical type who would judge everyone in our line of vision. He shall be a bridesmaid in my next wedding, because he's got flair and all.... I'd even bring him to Bunko with me, to show him off to my lady friends.....he'd be my "show & tell". Awe!
I'm off to clear a space in the basement. He might want to become roommates, once we get to know each other a tad better.
food for thought
Secret, secret...I've got a secret! Here's something I'll bet you didn't know about me. As much as I love cucumbers, I loathe buying them. I imagine that there are creepy, lurking men who are peering at me from all angles of the produce aisles thinking to themselves, "oooohhhh, she likes the long, firm, green ones...uh huh...I'll give you a long, firm green one, honey....". Then I imagine them going back to their caves where they're holding a Senator's daughter against her will and will inevitably tell her to 'put the lotion on it's skin, or else it gets the hose'. I usually won't be too choosy about my cucumbers, because the longer I stand there and jerk off all the cucumbers, the creepy men have already jimmied their way into my car and are waiting to drag me back to their dungeon, where I'll bravely wait for Jodi Foster to rescue me.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
what not to wear and other fashion don'ts!
I've never claimed to be a fashionista and no, I'm not trying to rip off Stacy London. However, I do own a mirror and that alone gives me authority over what works and what doesn't.
1. Nude nylons. There should be a law. I'll take it a step further. Nude nylons with open-toe sandles. Never, ever, under any circumstances should you ever wear nude nylons and/or with sandles.
2. Long, air brushed acrylic nails. Nope, sorry. Say good bye to your mini sunsets and your little flamingos.... NO designs on your nails! The only exception to this is if you're 4 and your mommy paints a daisy on your little piggy, but that's about it!
3. Jeans that show camel toe. You do own a mirror, do you not? And you are aware that you are revealing a perfect silouette of your labia, are you not? Ladies, ladies, the higher up you pull your jeans, the bigger your camel toe will become. It's basic science. Furthermore, typically these types of jeans have a double whammy because not only are they atrocious from the front, but they're also horrendous from the back, because often these are the types of jeans that have really small back pockets and the pockets are placed too far apart. Another no-no. These are what we call "mom jeans". All they do is make your butt look big. Go for the big pockets, ones that are close together and with some sort of cute design on the pockets. It's all about the pockets.
4. Please, for the love of the land, stop letting your kids wear their pajamas to the grocery store. Just dress them. Is it really that difficult to get them out of their pajamas and into actual street clothes? Also...babies dressed only in a diaper. No shoes, no shirt....just sitting in a germ infested grocery cart, walking down the freezer aisle which is somewhere around 4 degrees.... you've all seen it.
5. Parents, grandparents, etc.. STOP BUYING CLOTHES AND SHOES WITH CHARACTERS ON THEM. I'll just leave it at that. No need to elaborate. Nothing screams 'white trash' like a Lightning McQueen tank top, that's all.
6. Scrunchies. Throw them away. Nothing good will come from you wearing a scrunchie. Trust me.
7. Boys with unmanicured nails. Yuck. Not that I'm suggesting that you man-up and get mani's & pedi's, I am suggesting that you scrape the dirt out from under your finger and toe nails, and take a nail trimmer to them. I'll throw up in my mouth if I see a guy with long nails. The bagger at my grocery store often has long nails and I can barely stand it.
8. There's no polite way to say this..... men & women....shave your curlys. They're gross, they make you look like an amazon-bush person and it's ugly. Soft and smooth is sweeping the nation, believe you, me! (men---it'll also make your pee pee look bigger)!!!!
I can't think of anymore right now. But I'm taking my kids to a carnival later tonight, so I'm sure I'll have more to add.
Ciao!
1. Nude nylons. There should be a law. I'll take it a step further. Nude nylons with open-toe sandles. Never, ever, under any circumstances should you ever wear nude nylons and/or with sandles.
2. Long, air brushed acrylic nails. Nope, sorry. Say good bye to your mini sunsets and your little flamingos.... NO designs on your nails! The only exception to this is if you're 4 and your mommy paints a daisy on your little piggy, but that's about it!
3. Jeans that show camel toe. You do own a mirror, do you not? And you are aware that you are revealing a perfect silouette of your labia, are you not? Ladies, ladies, the higher up you pull your jeans, the bigger your camel toe will become. It's basic science. Furthermore, typically these types of jeans have a double whammy because not only are they atrocious from the front, but they're also horrendous from the back, because often these are the types of jeans that have really small back pockets and the pockets are placed too far apart. Another no-no. These are what we call "mom jeans". All they do is make your butt look big. Go for the big pockets, ones that are close together and with some sort of cute design on the pockets. It's all about the pockets.
4. Please, for the love of the land, stop letting your kids wear their pajamas to the grocery store. Just dress them. Is it really that difficult to get them out of their pajamas and into actual street clothes? Also...babies dressed only in a diaper. No shoes, no shirt....just sitting in a germ infested grocery cart, walking down the freezer aisle which is somewhere around 4 degrees.... you've all seen it.
5. Parents, grandparents, etc.. STOP BUYING CLOTHES AND SHOES WITH CHARACTERS ON THEM. I'll just leave it at that. No need to elaborate. Nothing screams 'white trash' like a Lightning McQueen tank top, that's all.
6. Scrunchies. Throw them away. Nothing good will come from you wearing a scrunchie. Trust me.
7. Boys with unmanicured nails. Yuck. Not that I'm suggesting that you man-up and get mani's & pedi's, I am suggesting that you scrape the dirt out from under your finger and toe nails, and take a nail trimmer to them. I'll throw up in my mouth if I see a guy with long nails. The bagger at my grocery store often has long nails and I can barely stand it.
8. There's no polite way to say this..... men & women....shave your curlys. They're gross, they make you look like an amazon-bush person and it's ugly. Soft and smooth is sweeping the nation, believe you, me! (men---it'll also make your pee pee look bigger)!!!!
I can't think of anymore right now. But I'm taking my kids to a carnival later tonight, so I'm sure I'll have more to add.
Ciao!
Things that baffle and intrigue me.
Here is a compiled list of things that baffle and/or intrigue me. And for the record, I become intrigued very easily. Some might call it Adult ADD, I call it being hyper aware. Tomato/toe-mah-toe
1. Carnivals: (and all that that entails). There is so much to take in at carnivals, it's hard for me to absorb it all. My kids could get kidnapped and I'd barely notice because I get fixated on the people watching. Everything from the barefoot babies, to the couples with matching t-shirts, to the morbidly obese lady sitting on a bench eating an elephant ear. And the carnies, for Heaven's sake, the carnies could take up a blog of their own. At what point do you realize you've hit rock bottom? Is it when you're actually filling out the application to become a carnie, or is it when you're sitting on your little stool, very authoritatively-like, with a ciggy hanging out of your mouth waiting for one ride to end and another to begin? It's a lonely life for the carnies.... life on the road, barely any time to get acquainted with a nice carnette before you're back on the road again. When they lay their sweet, greasy heads down at night, from inside their small trailor, I wonder if the only sounds they hear is the whirling of the rides, the climactic screams of children and the festive music. Ain't that America?
2. Lesbians: I'm fascinated by lesbians....not the attractive, curious, lipstick-lesbians, but the mullet wearing, hands shoved down in the pocket, honest to goodness dikes. I could watch 'em for hours, but I have to be careful, because if I make myself too conspicuous, they'll either kill me or sodomize me. I can't figure it out, why, WHY do they look so much like men, if they prefer women? I don't understand. I would think that if I were attracted to women, I'd be attracted to womanly things. If they're into looking like short, stocky ladies with bad haircuts, why don't they just date really ugly men. Maybe that's what their seeking and they just don't realize it. Thank God for this blog---I can shed some light on the lesbian community. You're NOT GAY...you just like UGLY MEN!!!
3. Polygomists: Why are polygomists so homely? What is it about the mormon religion that breeds such ugly, ugly people? And how on earth does the husband do it? My husband would hang himself if he had to deal with multiple me's. Sometimes I'd like to imagine what it would be like if I were casted for a reality show and I was dropped off in the middle of some sect in Utah where I had 29 sister wives with one husband. I like to think I'd have fun with the situation and that I'd rattle their cages a little. I'd teach the sisters how to line dance, we'd look so darn cute in our denim jumpers and long pony tails...doing the electric slide. I wouldn't be real popular among the men, but eventually, I'd win the sisters over and they'd be sorry to see me go. Maybe I'd smuggle a few of the really homely ones home with me. They could tend to the child rearing and the mending. But inevitably, jealousy would ensue and I'd have to go all Tonya Harding on them if they tried to seduce my Jason. It was just a thought...
4. Home Schooling: I'll just say it. What the F.? Do you love your children thaaat much, that you can't possibly bear the thought of spending 8 hours a day away from them? How egotistical of these people to think that no one in the world could possibly do a better job of teaching their children than themselves. I say, send them to school, expose them to life's experiences, socialize them, prepare them for adulthood, etc. etc. etc. How prepared is little Mary Alice going to be when you ship her off to college after being home school for 12 years? I'll tell you how prepared she'll be. Prepared to be the biggest ho on campus!
Girls gone wild, FO SHO! Good luck with that!
So many things in this world make me cock my head like a dog. Like I said, it doesn't take much to spark my interest. Pretty much if you start a conversation with, "Did you happen to notice the lady with the......" I'll be foaming at the mouth before you even make your point. So, with that said, as people continue to baffle me and situations continue to intrigue me, I'll add to my compilation.
Ta ta for now.
1. Carnivals: (and all that that entails). There is so much to take in at carnivals, it's hard for me to absorb it all. My kids could get kidnapped and I'd barely notice because I get fixated on the people watching. Everything from the barefoot babies, to the couples with matching t-shirts, to the morbidly obese lady sitting on a bench eating an elephant ear. And the carnies, for Heaven's sake, the carnies could take up a blog of their own. At what point do you realize you've hit rock bottom? Is it when you're actually filling out the application to become a carnie, or is it when you're sitting on your little stool, very authoritatively-like, with a ciggy hanging out of your mouth waiting for one ride to end and another to begin? It's a lonely life for the carnies.... life on the road, barely any time to get acquainted with a nice carnette before you're back on the road again. When they lay their sweet, greasy heads down at night, from inside their small trailor, I wonder if the only sounds they hear is the whirling of the rides, the climactic screams of children and the festive music. Ain't that America?
2. Lesbians: I'm fascinated by lesbians....not the attractive, curious, lipstick-lesbians, but the mullet wearing, hands shoved down in the pocket, honest to goodness dikes. I could watch 'em for hours, but I have to be careful, because if I make myself too conspicuous, they'll either kill me or sodomize me. I can't figure it out, why, WHY do they look so much like men, if they prefer women? I don't understand. I would think that if I were attracted to women, I'd be attracted to womanly things. If they're into looking like short, stocky ladies with bad haircuts, why don't they just date really ugly men. Maybe that's what their seeking and they just don't realize it. Thank God for this blog---I can shed some light on the lesbian community. You're NOT GAY...you just like UGLY MEN!!!
3. Polygomists: Why are polygomists so homely? What is it about the mormon religion that breeds such ugly, ugly people? And how on earth does the husband do it? My husband would hang himself if he had to deal with multiple me's. Sometimes I'd like to imagine what it would be like if I were casted for a reality show and I was dropped off in the middle of some sect in Utah where I had 29 sister wives with one husband. I like to think I'd have fun with the situation and that I'd rattle their cages a little. I'd teach the sisters how to line dance, we'd look so darn cute in our denim jumpers and long pony tails...doing the electric slide. I wouldn't be real popular among the men, but eventually, I'd win the sisters over and they'd be sorry to see me go. Maybe I'd smuggle a few of the really homely ones home with me. They could tend to the child rearing and the mending. But inevitably, jealousy would ensue and I'd have to go all Tonya Harding on them if they tried to seduce my Jason. It was just a thought...
4. Home Schooling: I'll just say it. What the F.? Do you love your children thaaat much, that you can't possibly bear the thought of spending 8 hours a day away from them? How egotistical of these people to think that no one in the world could possibly do a better job of teaching their children than themselves. I say, send them to school, expose them to life's experiences, socialize them, prepare them for adulthood, etc. etc. etc. How prepared is little Mary Alice going to be when you ship her off to college after being home school for 12 years? I'll tell you how prepared she'll be. Prepared to be the biggest ho on campus!
Girls gone wild, FO SHO! Good luck with that!
So many things in this world make me cock my head like a dog. Like I said, it doesn't take much to spark my interest. Pretty much if you start a conversation with, "Did you happen to notice the lady with the......" I'll be foaming at the mouth before you even make your point. So, with that said, as people continue to baffle me and situations continue to intrigue me, I'll add to my compilation.
Ta ta for now.
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