Hello faithful LeslieDishes readers. It's been a good run, BlogSpot has served me well. But I've joined the ranks of 2010 and actually purchased my own domain. Rest assured, LeslieDishes isn't going anywhere, I'm still continuing to blog about the hell that is put upon me, on a daily basis. You can now find me at
http://www.lesliedishes.com/
Give me a few days to get it going. I'm bumping my way through this whole web domain thing, so it may take a bit of time, but once it's up and going, I guarantee you'll be entertained because I've got weeks worth of ranting saved up!!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
Leslie
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
sexting
So, my husband had been white water rafting for 6 days. Then traveled for 2 days for bid-ness. Then took my kids camping for 3 days. Then traveled for bid-ness for another 3 days. So, yeah....we missed each other. He was really missing me on 4th of July when he was stuck camping with a bunch of nerds (and our kids) while I was at our friends' house with 3 other couples that we always hang out with. I was having a blast with our 'crew' and I was keeping him updated via text. He was sooooo jealous!
I went home that night and texted him that I was going to bed. He asked why I didn't send him any photo texts while I was at the party. I explained that it was too dark and smoky (fireworks). He asked, "how about a photo now?" I got all embarrassed! I've never, in my life, sent a naughty text to anyone, let alone my husband of 10 years. But, call it lapse of judgement or 7 Summer Shandy's....whatever. I snapped a pic of my boob and wrote, "there, are you happy? goodnight." He was all happy and so forth.
I thought that was the end of it....until. My kids come and wake me up two days later and the older one is shoving my phone in my face at 7:30 this morning saying, "MOM, LOOK WHAT GABE DID!!!" I look and see a picture of my boob. Now, any other time, I'd totally assume Gabe did it. He's a pig. He is known for taking disgusting pictures of things. But, we both know who is responsible for taking this particular photo. However, I can't very well tell my kids, "no, that was me. I took a picture of my own boob so your dad could get his jollies". That would traumatize them. So, I did what any other mother would do. I threw my 5 year old right under the bus. I was like, "Gabe.....did you take this picture????" He was bawling! He was all, "it wasn't me, I tell you!" I couldn't handle the guilt anymore, so I blamed it on the camera, saying it had accidently captured me getting dressed. Mother of the year.
I went home that night and texted him that I was going to bed. He asked why I didn't send him any photo texts while I was at the party. I explained that it was too dark and smoky (fireworks). He asked, "how about a photo now?" I got all embarrassed! I've never, in my life, sent a naughty text to anyone, let alone my husband of 10 years. But, call it lapse of judgement or 7 Summer Shandy's....whatever. I snapped a pic of my boob and wrote, "there, are you happy? goodnight." He was all happy and so forth.
I thought that was the end of it....until. My kids come and wake me up two days later and the older one is shoving my phone in my face at 7:30 this morning saying, "MOM, LOOK WHAT GABE DID!!!" I look and see a picture of my boob. Now, any other time, I'd totally assume Gabe did it. He's a pig. He is known for taking disgusting pictures of things. But, we both know who is responsible for taking this particular photo. However, I can't very well tell my kids, "no, that was me. I took a picture of my own boob so your dad could get his jollies". That would traumatize them. So, I did what any other mother would do. I threw my 5 year old right under the bus. I was like, "Gabe.....did you take this picture????" He was bawling! He was all, "it wasn't me, I tell you!" I couldn't handle the guilt anymore, so I blamed it on the camera, saying it had accidently captured me getting dressed. Mother of the year.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
how to be a good house guest
Ahhhh, Summer is upon us, which is prime 'house guest' season! Some are expected and highly anticipated. Others are not so expected and not so highly anticipated.
You know me and my lists.... Well, here is a handy guide line to adhere to, should you find yourself to be traveling about.
First and foremost, DON'T stay more than 3 days! Would YOU want a house guest for 3 days? Would you want to feed, entertain and be "on" for more than three days? No? Then neither does the person you're visiting. Unless, of course, you're like my sister and me who just lay on the couch in silence watching tv all day then drink well into the night. It's like I'm not even there.
Bring a hostess gift. Even if it's just a day trip. I'm not talking about a vase from Tiffany & Co. I just mean a small token of appreciation; a bottle of wine, coffee cake, a bag of carmel corn, some blow, strippers, what have you. At the very least, bring whatever you/your family will need so you're not like, "can I use your sunscreen, can I borrow a toothbrush, do you have any dog food, for my dog that we didn't tell you we were bringing"?
Just because you're close with these people, don't let your manners slip to the wayside. If the hostess asks if you'd like coffee, you still answer, "yes, please...that sounds great". Not "uh-huh". Or if she asks what you'd like for breakfast, don't say, "bacon and eggs". You would say, "whatever you're making, thank you so much".
I can't believe I even have to post this, but clean up after yourself for God's sake. Don't put dishes in the sink. PUT THEM IN THE DISHWASHER. It's not that hard. Make your bed. Carry your shit upstairs so it's not strewn all over the house. Hang up your towel. Jesus, I'm annoyed even writing this....who doesn't do this?
If the hostess orders food, like pizza or whatever...offer to pitch in. (FYI, it would be kinda tacky for the hostess to accept your money, unless you two decided together to order pizza for your families). Or, if she's preparing something for dinner, at the very least offer to help. Cut veggies or set the table. I always put my friends to work. Not because I need the help, but because I want to chat with her while I'm in the kitchen.
If you bring your dog, clean up after it. OK, I have a dog and I pretty much never take her anywhere because I feel like she's too big and hairy. While I allow her on the furniture in my home, I would NEVER let her get on the furniture at someone else's house.
If you're a smoker and you go outside to smoke, you must dispose of your butts accordingly. I hate when I have to pick up nasty butts the next day out of my grass....where my kids play. G-hetto.
This is another big one that I can't believe I have to spell out. If there is a gathering (big or small) in a living room, assume there is a couch, maybe a loveseat, perhaps a chair. Unless you are the only one in the room, DO NOT lay across the couch so no one else can sit down. This has happened so many times in my own home, where my guests and I have to sit on the floor because someone felt the need to lay down across 3 cushions. Rude.
Offer to take your shoes off. If the hostess says, "don't worry about it, you can wear them", then it's ok. But, if you see shoes lined up at the front door, that should be a clue that it's a shoes-off house.
If you've stayed for a while and it's the night before you're going to leave, offer to pick up the dinner tab for your hostess. OK, OK, if you're there by yourself and your hostess has a family of 8, there can be an exception to this rule. However, if you're there with your 12 kids and you're visiting a couple, or a single person, for God's sake, pick up the dinner tab! Don't be tacky. Really, it's the least you can do.
Offer to strip the bed before you leave. Because you know she's going to anyway.
Look her/him in the eye when saying your good byes and thank them for a great time.
If you are really fancy and this trip was sort of out of the ordinary, you might follow up with a thank you note via mail. I wouldn't do this if I were visiting my dear friends that I see all the time, but maybe I would if it were a new friend, or a distant cousin or something.
I swear, I'm not a stickler (I actually am a very fun person)....but these are lessons in common courtesy. It boggles me that I'm 36 years old and there are still people who are completely devoid of basic kindness. And no, I wasn't raised by Emily Post either. Again, it's just common courtesy, people.
Educating the world, one bitchy blog at a time.
You know me and my lists.... Well, here is a handy guide line to adhere to, should you find yourself to be traveling about.
First and foremost, DON'T stay more than 3 days! Would YOU want a house guest for 3 days? Would you want to feed, entertain and be "on" for more than three days? No? Then neither does the person you're visiting. Unless, of course, you're like my sister and me who just lay on the couch in silence watching tv all day then drink well into the night. It's like I'm not even there.
Bring a hostess gift. Even if it's just a day trip. I'm not talking about a vase from Tiffany & Co. I just mean a small token of appreciation; a bottle of wine, coffee cake, a bag of carmel corn, some blow, strippers, what have you. At the very least, bring whatever you/your family will need so you're not like, "can I use your sunscreen, can I borrow a toothbrush, do you have any dog food, for my dog that we didn't tell you we were bringing"?
Just because you're close with these people, don't let your manners slip to the wayside. If the hostess asks if you'd like coffee, you still answer, "yes, please...that sounds great". Not "uh-huh". Or if she asks what you'd like for breakfast, don't say, "bacon and eggs". You would say, "whatever you're making, thank you so much".
I can't believe I even have to post this, but clean up after yourself for God's sake. Don't put dishes in the sink. PUT THEM IN THE DISHWASHER. It's not that hard. Make your bed. Carry your shit upstairs so it's not strewn all over the house. Hang up your towel. Jesus, I'm annoyed even writing this....who doesn't do this?
If the hostess orders food, like pizza or whatever...offer to pitch in. (FYI, it would be kinda tacky for the hostess to accept your money, unless you two decided together to order pizza for your families). Or, if she's preparing something for dinner, at the very least offer to help. Cut veggies or set the table. I always put my friends to work. Not because I need the help, but because I want to chat with her while I'm in the kitchen.
If you bring your dog, clean up after it. OK, I have a dog and I pretty much never take her anywhere because I feel like she's too big and hairy. While I allow her on the furniture in my home, I would NEVER let her get on the furniture at someone else's house.
If you're a smoker and you go outside to smoke, you must dispose of your butts accordingly. I hate when I have to pick up nasty butts the next day out of my grass....where my kids play. G-hetto.
This is another big one that I can't believe I have to spell out. If there is a gathering (big or small) in a living room, assume there is a couch, maybe a loveseat, perhaps a chair. Unless you are the only one in the room, DO NOT lay across the couch so no one else can sit down. This has happened so many times in my own home, where my guests and I have to sit on the floor because someone felt the need to lay down across 3 cushions. Rude.
Offer to take your shoes off. If the hostess says, "don't worry about it, you can wear them", then it's ok. But, if you see shoes lined up at the front door, that should be a clue that it's a shoes-off house.
If you've stayed for a while and it's the night before you're going to leave, offer to pick up the dinner tab for your hostess. OK, OK, if you're there by yourself and your hostess has a family of 8, there can be an exception to this rule. However, if you're there with your 12 kids and you're visiting a couple, or a single person, for God's sake, pick up the dinner tab! Don't be tacky. Really, it's the least you can do.
Offer to strip the bed before you leave. Because you know she's going to anyway.
Look her/him in the eye when saying your good byes and thank them for a great time.
If you are really fancy and this trip was sort of out of the ordinary, you might follow up with a thank you note via mail. I wouldn't do this if I were visiting my dear friends that I see all the time, but maybe I would if it were a new friend, or a distant cousin or something.
I swear, I'm not a stickler (I actually am a very fun person)....but these are lessons in common courtesy. It boggles me that I'm 36 years old and there are still people who are completely devoid of basic kindness. And no, I wasn't raised by Emily Post either. Again, it's just common courtesy, people.
Educating the world, one bitchy blog at a time.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Ginger, the Dissing Dog.
An old friend of mine accidently inherited a dog. By accidently, I mean she absolutely didn't want it. Her kids were scared of dogs, she herself was not a dog person and as luck would have it, this dog happened to be among the most hyper & high maintenence breed of dogs (brittany spaniel). 'Ginger' had previously belonged to her mother in law, but grandma could no longer care for Ginger and her incessant need to play. Husband offered to adopt the dog. Wife offered to suffocate husband in his sleep. Dog ownership ensued.
So, fast forward a couple of years. The dog snarls at the children, never stops wanting to play and just generally annoys everyone, especially my friend. I witnessed Ginger's relentlessness during a weekend visit. Jesus, you couldn't even sit idle on the deck without Ginger pacing at your feet dying for you to throw her ball. So, you'd throw the ball so far into the woods, you'd assume Ginger would never come back. Oh no, 5 minutes later, Ginger would be back at your feet nudging that effing ball back toward your feet again. The ball went missing once and Ginger would spend at least 17 hours a day frantically looking for it. My friend finally broke down, went to Pet Smart and replaced it. Of course, it wasn't just any ball....it was the $12 kong ball, or whatever the hell it was. Fancy!
After several years, the family couldn't take it anymore, they'd decided to put Ginger up for adoption. The adopted family showed up to pick up their new dog and my friend called her children to come say goodbye to Ginger. The kids could barely muster the energy to look in Ginger's general direction and offer a weak, "bye". The new owners backed out the driveway and my friend goes barrelling down the street to retrieve Ginger. She couldn't go through with it. She was like the Grinch who's heart had grown 10 sizes that day. Christmas, it came without bags. It came without boxes or ribbons or tags. As she brought Ginger back into the house, I think she expected Ginger to be falling all over herself with gratitude. But, I think my friend sensed a bit of disappointment on Ginger's behalf. Ginger hung her head and sighed, as if to say, "Oh well. Easy come, easy go".
Fast forward another couple of months (or years....who knows really--it's their story to tell, not mine) and Ginger gets put up for adoption again. Honestly, what chance did she have? With a name like Ginger? It just sounds bitchy. Like Dutchess, for example--worst dog name, ever! Anyway, I digress. Ginger gets adopted by a lovely family in Kalamazoo. You might think the story ends here. You'd be wrong.
Fast forward many-a-month later. My friend's sister is at an event in Kalamazoo and would you believe she ran into Ginger and her new owners? Auntie was all excited to see her former dog-niece but Ginger was all, "I've moved on. You should too". Ginger was wearing a diamond encrusted collar. She was groomed to the nines and may or may not have had her toe nails painted pink. I don't like to spread rumors, so let's just say allegedly. Auntie was like, "get a load of Ginger!" But, Ginger wasn't endulging her. She totally dissed auntie. I guess she said something along the lines of, "Listen, we had some good times. Like that one time you threw a ball into the woods for me. (pause for effect) Yeah, I lived there for 4 years and I can see how throwing a ball more than once a day can seem excessive (Ginger was always so sarcastic). No, no, don't feel guilty. I'm with a new family now. My new mom is as barren as a rusty pipe, so you can imagine her devotion to me. Check out my coat...silky. Check out my teeth...sparkly. And you can tell that witch of a sister that I said, "how d'ya like me now....beeotch??" Then I guess she gave some dog-gang-sign with her paw, spun on her hind legs, and waltzed away.
Epic Diss!!!! .....And the moral of the story is...(wait for it)..... Hell, I don't know. It wasn't my dog.
So, fast forward a couple of years. The dog snarls at the children, never stops wanting to play and just generally annoys everyone, especially my friend. I witnessed Ginger's relentlessness during a weekend visit. Jesus, you couldn't even sit idle on the deck without Ginger pacing at your feet dying for you to throw her ball. So, you'd throw the ball so far into the woods, you'd assume Ginger would never come back. Oh no, 5 minutes later, Ginger would be back at your feet nudging that effing ball back toward your feet again. The ball went missing once and Ginger would spend at least 17 hours a day frantically looking for it. My friend finally broke down, went to Pet Smart and replaced it. Of course, it wasn't just any ball....it was the $12 kong ball, or whatever the hell it was. Fancy!
After several years, the family couldn't take it anymore, they'd decided to put Ginger up for adoption. The adopted family showed up to pick up their new dog and my friend called her children to come say goodbye to Ginger. The kids could barely muster the energy to look in Ginger's general direction and offer a weak, "bye". The new owners backed out the driveway and my friend goes barrelling down the street to retrieve Ginger. She couldn't go through with it. She was like the Grinch who's heart had grown 10 sizes that day. Christmas, it came without bags. It came without boxes or ribbons or tags. As she brought Ginger back into the house, I think she expected Ginger to be falling all over herself with gratitude. But, I think my friend sensed a bit of disappointment on Ginger's behalf. Ginger hung her head and sighed, as if to say, "Oh well. Easy come, easy go".
Fast forward another couple of months (or years....who knows really--it's their story to tell, not mine) and Ginger gets put up for adoption again. Honestly, what chance did she have? With a name like Ginger? It just sounds bitchy. Like Dutchess, for example--worst dog name, ever! Anyway, I digress. Ginger gets adopted by a lovely family in Kalamazoo. You might think the story ends here. You'd be wrong.
Fast forward many-a-month later. My friend's sister is at an event in Kalamazoo and would you believe she ran into Ginger and her new owners? Auntie was all excited to see her former dog-niece but Ginger was all, "I've moved on. You should too". Ginger was wearing a diamond encrusted collar. She was groomed to the nines and may or may not have had her toe nails painted pink. I don't like to spread rumors, so let's just say allegedly. Auntie was like, "get a load of Ginger!" But, Ginger wasn't endulging her. She totally dissed auntie. I guess she said something along the lines of, "Listen, we had some good times. Like that one time you threw a ball into the woods for me. (pause for effect) Yeah, I lived there for 4 years and I can see how throwing a ball more than once a day can seem excessive (Ginger was always so sarcastic). No, no, don't feel guilty. I'm with a new family now. My new mom is as barren as a rusty pipe, so you can imagine her devotion to me. Check out my coat...silky. Check out my teeth...sparkly. And you can tell that witch of a sister that I said, "how d'ya like me now....beeotch??" Then I guess she gave some dog-gang-sign with her paw, spun on her hind legs, and waltzed away.
Epic Diss!!!! .....And the moral of the story is...(wait for it)..... Hell, I don't know. It wasn't my dog.
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