The Successor Sleeps Over

So, I had me a little sleep-over last night.  Jason was traveling, so I invited Laura (you know, the girl who gets to marry Jason if I die) over for a little girl on girl action.

My plan to tickle each other was heavily clouded when she walked in and immediately asked me to put on ESPN. Curses! Our girl talk got thrown to the wayside while MSU trampled Michigan on the basketball court. Who cares. 

The game finally got over and not a second too soon because Teen Mom on Mtv was about to start! Laura took off her 'dike' hat and got girly with me after all.  We ate Red Vines and laid on my couch watching these pathetic teens try to raise babies.  It was all fun and games until Tyler (God, I love that boy) proposed to his longtime (1 year) girlfriend, Caitlyn.  A little background; Tyler is precious.  He's a darling 17 year old boy who is caring, mature, responsible and so loving. He got his girlfriend (Caitlyn) pregnant and out of all the couples on this show, they were the only ones who put their own feelings aside, thought only of the love they had for their unborn daughter and gave her up for adoption.  I completely and utterly commend them for that impossible decision. My respect for them aside, ohhhhh, Caitlyn.  Poor, poor Caitlyn.  While Tyler is such a cutie pie, Caitlyn is.....not.  Truth be told, she reminds me of a Bermese Mountain Dog.  Bless her heart.  The situation going on with her mouth is so unfortunate.  She has braces and wires and rubber bands and chapped lips......not to mention a mouth the size of a salad bowl.  But I digress. 

ANYWAY---so, this season focuses on their struggles with knowing that someone else is raising their baby, but they remain strong in their convictions that it was indeed the right decision to make.  They are a sweet couple and seem to have hope for a glowing future, despite the fact that they seem to have been raised by wolves.  Tyler's father (Butch) has been in and out of prison for the past 12 years.  He's currently out of the big house and has since married Caitlyn's mother.  Which, you guessed it, makes Caitlyn and Tyler step-siblings.  Of course!  Caitlyn's mother is a real dandy herself.

So, Tyler goes to Caitlyn's mom and asks her permission to marry her daughter.  The conversation goes something like this, "So, ya know, I love Caitlyn a whole lot and I care a lot about her.  I'm 17 and I never thought I'd ever meet the one, but I'm pretty sure Caitlyn is the one, so I was wondering if you'd approve".   The grubby mom just cackles and coughs up some phlegm, then smiles and shows off her black gums and says, "You're gonna make Caitlyn cry.....and you're prolly gonna puke"!!!!   Nice.  OK, so fast forward to the next day and Tyler tells Caitlyn to dress real nice because they're going somewhere 'fancy' for lunch.  Lunch.  He suggests she wear her Homecoming dress.  To lunch.  He puts on a suit and tie, but has trouble with his tie, so he asks his father to help him in this momentous occasion.  Dad (Butch) walks in, with his sleeveless t-shirt and long grey braid and says, "I ain't never wear no god damned tie".  Butch is such a scoundrel!  Of course, sweet li'l Caitlyn googles 'tie tieing' online and she ties the tie for her soon-to-be groom. The bow tie he'll wear at the wedding should be extra challenging!

So, they roll up in this beat up van to a restaurant that looks like a diner.  They continue to gush over the 'fancy-ness' of the restaurant, all the while he orders a burger and fries.  No one seems to much care that she's wearing a beaded evening gown in a diner in the middle of the afternoon.  Precious li'l Tyler pops the question and I would have cried, but I couldn't get past Caitlyn's mouth full of metal saying, "I'll totally marry you".   Anyone wanna lay bets that they'll be knocked up by season 3? 

I love reality tv.  So, Laura and I sat up and talked about these young mothers as if they were our friends or sisters.  We cracked each other up until the wee hours. She spent the night and the next day, my 4 year old asked me if Laura was my husband. 

No----but if she plays her cards right, she might be his new mother!

perhaps the most stupid thing I've ever said

Jason & I were watching a documentary about 9/11. I'd made a comment about an appropriate punishment for those people responsible. Jason responded that the 'main guy' was still at large. Flippantly, I said, "where is he, anyway---I mean, when he pops up in videos, can't we figure out where he is?" Jason said, "well, it's not like he's standing on a street corner with street signs behind him in the video".

I must have laughed for 15 minutes straight. Sometimes he's so funny. That, Jason.

How to cheat

Boy, that got your attention.  Fortunately, (or perhaps unfortunately--however you look at it) this essay isn't about cheating on your husband....well, in the old fashioned sense, anyway.   I am here to help you cheat on your husband (or wife) by way of finances.

If any of you have a spouse who controls the household money, you'll appreciate this.  I'm sure I'm not alone on this one.  Jason lives as if he personally survived the depression.  He makes a good living, a very respectable living, but the man has this looming fear that it will all come to a crashing end and we'll wind up on the streets.  The man has the work ethic of a horse, so the liklihood of that happening is nill.  To keep his unreasonable fears at bay, I often take matters into my own hands.  What he doesn't know won't hurt him.   I end up with a great new pair of shoes and he's none the wiser.  Win/Win!  These are some fool proof ways to get what you want without having to grovel for money.

1. If you have a budget-----let's say your husband gives you $100 a week to use at your own discretion, and let's say that groceries aren't included in that budget.  You simply ask for cash back when you're paying for your groceries.  Voila!    Disclaimer: This won't work if your husband scrutinizes the grocery bill. 

2. If you've already spent the money and you know you're going to catch hell when you get home, just tell him it cost twice as much as it really did.  When he blows a nut, you get to say, "ha ha...got you!  It was only half that".  The idea here is that he he'll be so relieved that you only spent $50 instead of $100, that he'll be thrilled.  Jason has never fallen for this one, but maybe your husband is stupid.

3. Do you have a fashionista friend or sister?  Just say that she bought it for you---just make sure she's in on it.

4. Did you buy a new coat or a hot pair of jeans?  Tell him that you brought some of your old clothes into the consignment shop and the price of your new item happened to be the EXACT price that the store offered you for your clothes. 

....and my personal favorite

5. Does your grocery store sell gift cards?  Meijer sells every kind of gift card imaginable....from Pottery Barn to Bloomingdales to Ebay.  You know where I'm going with this.  You buy a gift card for yourself, throw it in with the groceries and there you have it....free money to your store of choice.  I am ever-so crafty. 

It's pathetic that this has become my life, but a girl's gotta look good, for crying out loud!

Y I am NOT a good wife

A friend of mine who's husband is a high-up advertising exec. at a very well known corporation was invited to a ball. You know, like formal gowns, tuxedos....yeah, that kind of ball. She accepted the invitation even tho her hubby was across the country and wouldn't be in attendance himself.

Ok, the likelihood of that happening in this house is slim to none and none just put glow stix around it's neck and went clubbing. Seriously, I would no more attend a company 'ball' with Jason, let alone without him. As I've mentioned, I don't do well in fancy, stuffy situations. At least when Jason is there, he can work the room like a pro while I just stand next to him and nod my head politely. (what? I can be charming when I wanna--I just never wanna)

Ok so back to my story. So, she's sitting at this table with all other exec wives and someone snaps a picture and texts it to her husband. Upon receipt, her husband immediately sends her a text telling her that she looks, "maaaaahvelous".

'K. Wanna hear how that situation would go down if that were to happen to Jason and myself. Yeah, if Jason received such a picture, he'd laugh at first, knowing that I was suffering. Then he's start flop sweating because he'd be so worried about that glass of champagne sitting in front of me. He knows what happens when I get nervous and add alcohol to the mix. You know where this is going.

So, the point of my story is that this friend of mine is a great wife. While I, am not. Well, there's 3,000 other reasons why I'm not a great wife, but this one just happens to be a great example.

holla

Hey---holla if you still read me. I'm going to be adding ads to my blog. Now, that I'm in the blog world, I've been reading/following so many other blogs that I think you'll enjoy as well! None quite as witty and saucy as mine, but good deals & shopping sites! I'd love some feedback--drop me a line if you're still following me.

xox
m'wah!
LB

Insecurities

There are some things in our life that simply illicit feelings of fear, anger or inadequacy. We don't understand why, but I'm willing to bet most of them come from childhood insecurities. Kids are assholes. Not all kids, mind you, but certainly a good number of the students that attended Lakes Elementary School in Hartland, MI from 1978-1984. Don't get me wrong, not all sore spots originate from my peers. Some came straight from my home, but that's a whole different ball of wax.

Let's look at the basics. My name, for example. Leslie Ann. Sounds a lot like Lesbie Ann or lesbian, doesn't it? Yeah, not real sure how my parents didn't foresee that tragedy. Not that I have a problem with homosexuals whatsoever, because I don't....but I will tell you that it took me up until a few years ago to admit that women are pretty because I was so afraid someone would think I was gay. Listen, you can't go to school every day for 6 years hearing, "Leslie Lezzie Lesbian, humps her friends as fast as she can" without it causing some damage. 'humps her friends as fast as she can'. Really? I'm 9 and humping all my friends real fast..., like a jack rabbit? Ok, first of all....not likely. But, I was a kid....I believed it. I figured they all knew something I didn't. Elementary school sucked. Everyone always said I was 'weird'. Whatever...they were all just too stupid to get my sense of humor. I was HI-larious! Of course, it didn't help matters that I wasn't a particularly good looking child.

Moving onto my physical insecurities. I've never claimed to be a beauty. (Of course, that never stops me from pointing out other people's flaws) Although all my friends are gorgeous and I run with a lovely crowd, I've never looked in the mirror and thought to myself, "Self, you are one good looking gal". In fact, I usually hate every picture ever taken of me and obsess over every one of my (many) flaws. Gee, that couldn't possible be because my father used to call us the "Lee Sisters". (Ug-Lee & Home-Lee) Oh. Yes. He. Did. He must have missed that chapter in the parenting books where you're supposed to build up your child's self esteem, not crush it. Who, WHO could look at their daughter and call her ugly? Even if they were? I mean, my GOD, he used to make me stomp my foot whenever people asked me how old I was. (get it? like a horse)
It's a wonder I made it to adulthood. I'm telling you....the baggage we bring from our childhood.... Me thinks it's why Prozac was created. And Xanax. And liquor. And cigarettes. And paint thinner. And computer duster. And cough medicine. And whatever else the kids are doing these days. Snorting Sweetarts? Drinking antifreeze?

At any rate, it's all good. I'm over it. Sure, my insecurities rear their ugly heads from time to time, but all in all, I keep a cool head over it all (thank you Walgreen's pharmacy). I'm also very realistic. I am what I am. No matter how jealous I might get over someone else for what they look like, or what they have---there are probably 20 other people that THEY are envious of. Be happy with who & what you are!!!!

Side note: In keeping with the theme, "Security" you MUST go to youtube and type in "Bon Qui Qui". Go ahead, see for yourself what I enjoy watching in my spare time. My 15 year old niece turned me onto her and Bon Qui Qui has since become my imaginery friend. When put in awkward situations I often wonder what Bon Qui Qui would do. That's why I wear WWBQQD bracelets. (what would bon qui qui do)