In 2001 I became pregnant for the first time. Like every first time mommy, I was a walking miracle, the epitome of feminity. I convinced myself that mine was the most interesting & unique pregnancy of all time. In hind sight, it barely warranted keeping the pregnancy journal that I committed to writing in each night. My Gosh, I look back at it now and I just about want to choke myself from the boredom of it.
....."tonight the baby kicked. I ate an apple. Yesterday the baby had hiccups. I have to pee a lot. My boobs are big. My clothes don't fit. This might not be Jason's baby"......you know, same old, same old...
But, it's funny how we forget. If I had to guess, I'd say I was a typical patient. Perhaps a bit on the cautious side, but calm, cool and collected, nevertheless. It all came back to haunt me a few days ago. I was looking for something in the waaaayyy back of my closet and I came upon a manila folder. I peeked inside and sure enough, it was records from my old OB's office. I had them forward my file to me when I moved to the other side of the state. My intentions were to give it to my next OB, but I guess I never got around to it. I had some time to kill, so I decided to flop on my bed and stroll down memory lane. After all, it might be fun to reflect on my first pregnancy from the doctor's perspective.
My file was about 3 inches thick, that should have been my first clue. All those times I called the doctor's office to ask an innocent question, I guess I didn't realize that they document every conversation between the nurses & myself. Heh heh... I'm not exaggerating when I tell you some of the entries into my file:
...August 14, 2001. PT (that's code-ski for patient) wants to know if it's ok for her to swing on a swing. I checked with dr. j to be sure, but advised her that yes, it was ok.
.... August 29, 2001. PT says husband won't let her walk her dog until she gets clearance from Dr. J. We ok'd it.
... October 18, 2001. PT called with concerns of eating pumpkin seeds, wants to know if it will increase the baby's liklihood of developing allergies.
November 11, 2001 PT called to report that her "virgin" mimosa, may have had a "splash" of champagne in it. Nurse. P. assured her that the baby wouldn't have fetal alcohol syndrome.
December 12, 2001. PT calls to ask if she can keep poinsettia's in the house. Are they toxic to babies or just to cats? Nurse told her that Leslie would actually have to eat it for it to be toxic to the baby.
February 19, 2002. PT calls with complaints of being tired. I assured her that it was normal.
February 24, 2002. PT complains of "severe pains" running up and down her legs. PT reports that she often wears high heeled boots to work. PT reports that she'll cease from wearing high heels to work.
March 3, 2001. PT reports discomfort & cramping. I explained braxton hicks to her and told her that she could supplement with tylenol. PT says that tylenol upsets her stomach, so she will take advil instead.
March 8, 2002 PT reports that her dog may or may not have come into contact with a dead bird at the park and then dog licked her hand later that day. PT worries if she may have been exposed to West Nile Virus. I told her to bring the bird to CDC for testing. PT declined.
April 1, 2002. PT calls wondering if she's in labor. She claims to have been having contractions for 3 days now. Nurse reports that she'd have had the baby by now if she was in fact having contractions for 3 days.
....I mean, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I'm embarrassed for MYSELF! What must they have thought of me???? I turned it all around for my 2nd and last pregnancy. I never once, NOT ONCE called the dr. I could have been crowning at my 4th month and would have refused to call. "No, that's ok, I'll wait it out. I think it'll pass...." That's a good little patient. I'm now Dr. Van Slooten's most favoritest patient. Which, for all intents & purposes cancels out because I'm still Dr. Johnson's most worstest patient to date.
There will many more blogs like this one, as I have lots o' doctor stories. I don't know why, but I often find myself in odd predicaments at the doctor office. Like the time I boxed in the young, hot resident's head with my knees, 'cause he scerred me.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Mars & Venus
I'd like to take this opportunity to give you my rendition of the vast differences between men & women.
Woman: straighten, clean, scour, disinfect, organize, prioritize and scrub.
Men: put a bunch of stuff in a drawer and then look for praise.
Woman: teach their children how to ride two wheelers.
Men: take the children for their first bike ride (sans the training wheels) and proudly accept praise from all the neighborhood mommies who think he's such a great dad.
Woman: potty train their babies
Men: change one frigging diaper in public and relish in all the gushing mommies at Meijers who think he's such a great dad.
Woman: to get ready for bed, have to fluff the pillows, let the dog out, let the dog in, turn out the lights, put the beer bottles in the recycle bin, start the dishwasher, carry clothes basket upstairs, properly tuck in the kids, turn on night lights, brush teeth, wash face, apply anti-aging cream, apply chapstick, lay in bed, think of tomorrow's to-do list, eventually fall asleep.
Men: walk upstairs, lay down, sleep.
Woman: Get a cold. Take Advil Cold & Sinus and go about their day.
Men: Get a cold, call in sick to work, cry, whimper, limp around waiting for someone to notice them, call their mommys, call anyone they can think of so they can practice their hoarse, sick-voice, baby talk their wives, lay in bed until they've decided they're hungry, want something we ultimately don't have in the house, eat it, decide they don't like it, want something else, be a martyr and go back to bed.
Woman: get old and haggered
Men: get handsome & distinguished
Woman: get bitchy for no apparent reason
Men: are simply stressed out from their jobs
Woman: to get ready for an outing, pack a diaper bag, the camera, snacks, let the dog out, then in, make sure the kids have matching shoes and have gone to the bathroom, clean up the house so you don't come home to a messy house, print out directions, grab the list of things to get, pack activities for the kids, charge the cell phones, apply lipstick and lock the door.
Men: get in the car and honk for their wives to hurry up.
Woman: Upon relaying news about a new baby, will provide the stats such as: the sex, it's name, the weight, the length, the time it was born, how many pushes it took to get it out, whether she needed stitches, what hospital she's at, what the colors of the nursery are and what the alternative name would have been if it were born the opposite sex.
Men: tell you that so & so had a baby and it might have been either a boy or a girl.
Woman: straighten, clean, scour, disinfect, organize, prioritize and scrub.
Men: put a bunch of stuff in a drawer and then look for praise.
Woman: teach their children how to ride two wheelers.
Men: take the children for their first bike ride (sans the training wheels) and proudly accept praise from all the neighborhood mommies who think he's such a great dad.
Woman: potty train their babies
Men: change one frigging diaper in public and relish in all the gushing mommies at Meijers who think he's such a great dad.
Woman: to get ready for bed, have to fluff the pillows, let the dog out, let the dog in, turn out the lights, put the beer bottles in the recycle bin, start the dishwasher, carry clothes basket upstairs, properly tuck in the kids, turn on night lights, brush teeth, wash face, apply anti-aging cream, apply chapstick, lay in bed, think of tomorrow's to-do list, eventually fall asleep.
Men: walk upstairs, lay down, sleep.
Woman: Get a cold. Take Advil Cold & Sinus and go about their day.
Men: Get a cold, call in sick to work, cry, whimper, limp around waiting for someone to notice them, call their mommys, call anyone they can think of so they can practice their hoarse, sick-voice, baby talk their wives, lay in bed until they've decided they're hungry, want something we ultimately don't have in the house, eat it, decide they don't like it, want something else, be a martyr and go back to bed.
Woman: get old and haggered
Men: get handsome & distinguished
Woman: get bitchy for no apparent reason
Men: are simply stressed out from their jobs
Woman: to get ready for an outing, pack a diaper bag, the camera, snacks, let the dog out, then in, make sure the kids have matching shoes and have gone to the bathroom, clean up the house so you don't come home to a messy house, print out directions, grab the list of things to get, pack activities for the kids, charge the cell phones, apply lipstick and lock the door.
Men: get in the car and honk for their wives to hurry up.
Woman: Upon relaying news about a new baby, will provide the stats such as: the sex, it's name, the weight, the length, the time it was born, how many pushes it took to get it out, whether she needed stitches, what hospital she's at, what the colors of the nursery are and what the alternative name would have been if it were born the opposite sex.
Men: tell you that so & so had a baby and it might have been either a boy or a girl.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
movie tag lines that I reference weekly
Nobody puts baby in the corner, ~ Dirty Dancing
I like to use this reference most often when I'm attending a wedding where the bride and groom have the common sense to stick my husband and I in the corner of the reception.
I would expect this from BOB, but not you, Ritchie, ~La Bamba
I enjoy saying this line with a heavy Mexican dialect. It works best when there is a pair of men (brothers, for example) and the sensible one makes a bad decision.
The one that says Bad Mother F&*ker! , ~Pulp Fiction
I like to respond with this tag line when someone asks me 'which one is yours'.
Knock it off Napolean and go make yourself a dang Quesadilla, ~Napolean Dynamite
You absolutely have to pronounce quesadilla phonetically (kay-suh-dil-a). It works when someone is whining in the kitchen about how there's nothing to eat.
Ummmhmmmm.....I reckon I like them french fried potaters, ~Sling Blade
I don't have an example of an appropriate time to use this quote. It's creepy, but my husband does a stellar Billy Bob Thorton impression.
Drink your juice, Shelby, ~Steel Magnolia
Perfect for whenever Shelby drinks her juice....duh!
Waaaait, is she a great big fat person?, ~Silence of the Lambs
For the record, I don't condone making fun of heavy people. What I do condone however, is making fun of people who make fun of heavy people. Especially when those people have a nasaly, serial killer-type voice, like that of Buffalo Bill.
"Surely you can't be serious" , ~Airplane
And my visceral response will always be: I am serious and don't call me shirley
I won't be ignored, Dan, ~ Fatal Attraction
I lit-rally reference this at least daily. Mainly, when my sister won't return my calls.
Run, Forest.....Run.....!, ~Forest Gump
Perfect for when my 3 year old tries to run.
I like to use this reference most often when I'm attending a wedding where the bride and groom have the common sense to stick my husband and I in the corner of the reception.
I would expect this from BOB, but not you, Ritchie, ~La Bamba
I enjoy saying this line with a heavy Mexican dialect. It works best when there is a pair of men (brothers, for example) and the sensible one makes a bad decision.
The one that says Bad Mother F&*ker! , ~Pulp Fiction
I like to respond with this tag line when someone asks me 'which one is yours'.
Knock it off Napolean and go make yourself a dang Quesadilla, ~Napolean Dynamite
You absolutely have to pronounce quesadilla phonetically (kay-suh-dil-a). It works when someone is whining in the kitchen about how there's nothing to eat.
Ummmhmmmm.....I reckon I like them french fried potaters, ~Sling Blade
I don't have an example of an appropriate time to use this quote. It's creepy, but my husband does a stellar Billy Bob Thorton impression.
Drink your juice, Shelby, ~Steel Magnolia
Perfect for whenever Shelby drinks her juice....duh!
Waaaait, is she a great big fat person?, ~Silence of the Lambs
For the record, I don't condone making fun of heavy people. What I do condone however, is making fun of people who make fun of heavy people. Especially when those people have a nasaly, serial killer-type voice, like that of Buffalo Bill.
"Surely you can't be serious" , ~Airplane
And my visceral response will always be: I am serious and don't call me shirley
I won't be ignored, Dan, ~ Fatal Attraction
I lit-rally reference this at least daily. Mainly, when my sister won't return my calls.
Run, Forest.....Run.....!, ~Forest Gump
Perfect for when my 3 year old tries to run.
They're not dirty pillows mama, they're breasts., ~Carrie I have no words for this movie tag line, I just like it.
Don't shoot your friends, Joseph, ~Unbreakable This works well when you don't want Joseph to shoot his friends.
The Betty Broderick Story; A woman scorned, ~a Lifetime Movie Original There isn't any one specific line in this movie that I reference nearly as much as the title itself. I think it speaks volumes. It says, "you can't just divorce Meredith Baxter Birney and think you can get away with it. Oh. No. You. Can't".
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