more things to ponder and general complaints

Do Asians joke that white people all look alike?

And furthermore I'm fairly certain when we're getting pedicures and the nail techs are all squawking in their native tongue, they aren't talking about us. We're so self centered to assume they are. Like they have nothing better to talk about.

Why is it that when you get into a little (ahem) scuffle with someone on the road, it never fails that they pull into the same parking lot as you?  Like, really?  Out of all the 19 million places to go, the person I flipped off on I-96W is also deciding to go Targeting at MY Target?

The person who talks about their ailments. So annoying. There's this chick at the gym who angles her inuries and illnesses into every conversation. For example, Instructor:  ....and get up into a plank and hold for 60 seconds. Sickie McSickerson: OH, I CAN'T DO THAT. MY DOCTOR SAYS NOT TO PUT ANY WEIGHT ON MY ARMS. Me: who the fuck asked you?

I've skirted around this issue in the past, but now I'm taking a grand stand. I hate the person who uses Facebook as a platform to brag about themselves. SUZY MCGEE.....wants to thank all the people who told me I was pretty last week. SUZY MCGEE.....needs to the hit the gym. SUZY MCGEE... hasn't worked out in like 6 minutes and I might be creeping up the scales at a whopping 112 lbs.      And then all of Suzy's stupid friends have to comment how skinny she is and how if anyone can afford to skip the gym it's Suzy! And 'what I wouldn't give to look like you, Suzy!!!'   Shut up, Suzy.  You're fishing for a compliment, don't even try to lie. I hate that. I think it's their blatent insecurity that bothers me.

I hate the chick at my gym that always smells like onions. Oh my gawd, this lady....it's so disgusting. She is always soaked with sweat. It's always dripping off her hair and her too-tight tank is just drenched. That alone makes me sick, but coupled with the fact that she has the worst body odor I have ever smelled. It's b.o. and onions. Every day. And it lingers, too. I refuse to even stand on the same side of the room as her because the smell wafts over to me and then remains in my sinuses for the next 12 hours. I hate that!

Celebrity wives who talk TOO MUCH about their amaaaaazing marriages and their amaaaaaazing sex lives. See: Lisa Rinna, Heidi Klum, Jada Pinkett Smith. Has anyone else noticed this? These women...everytime they're being interviewed about anything, the conversation always gets redirected toward the sex. Maybe if they continue to brag about it, eventually we'll believe them. Keep it up, keep it up.

And speaking of Heidi Klum, do you ever shut your mouth? My God. Every picture of you has your big mouth gaping open. Shut it, horse teeth. Because, you know....I have room to criticize Heidi Klum (not). I just realized that Jake Gyllenhall (sp?) and Kate Gosselin have that problem too---smiling with their mouth open and their tongues hanging out.

Gretchen from Bravo's Housewives of Orange County. Whore. She cackles after every single thing that she says--which I HATE when people consistantly laugh at their own jokes. But in addition to her over blown ego, she flaunts her sexuality. OK, Gretchen...you're about 7 feet tall and smokin' hot. We get it. Just in case your good looks were lost on anyone--we get it, you're a tiger in the bedroom. Noted.


Do I seem bitter tonight?

tips for my unborn daughter

Don't be a ho.

Don't change yourself to accomodate a boy

Don't order spaghetti on a date, or ribs.

Treat yourself to a professional eyebrow waxing.

Don't be overly available to anyone.

Don't call your grandmother when you're mad at me. I don't need you two in cahoots.

Take off your makeup every night. No matter how trashed you are.

Don't sun worship---believe you, me---those wrinkles WILL creep up on you! Self tanner is the ticket.

Don't take cameras out with you during a bender. In this crazy world of technology, it can only hurt you.

Do NOT have a party at my house while dad and I are on vacation. The thrill you'll endure will NOT be worth the wrath of your mother.

Keep your 'situation' trimmed and maintained.  Just sayin'.

Don't let a boy video tape your bedroom antics, I guarantee they will resurface.

Don't bring pot to Mexico---they will find it.

Don't cut your own hair

If you're cursed with ugly feet, keep 'em covered.

Invest in a good bra

Pay attention to your colon

Exercise, exercise, exercise. Stay active---it's good for your heart and soul.

Recognize your weaknesses, then find a pill to correct it.

Get in good with your family physician.

Be independent!!! I can't stress this enough. You'll look pathetic if you always have a boy on your arm. and ps. boys love girls who have their own thing going on.

Never show up empty handed. This was a tip handed down from my mother and it's always served me well.

Always acknowledge a gift by way of thank you notes. Personal notes are the lost art and we're becoming a very lazy society that doesn't value the written word.

It's never ok to dress your kids in character clothes.

Don't ever let anyone talk you out of something that you really, really want to do. Unless it's a terribly idea.

FINISH COLLEGE

Invest in nice bedding. Your bedroom should be your sancuary and you should always fall into a crisp, clean, soft bed with a fluffy, heavy down comforter on top! You won't be sorry.

It's best to not even start smoking---it's hard to quit, plus it's pretty gross when you think about it.

Don't decide to cut off all your hair when you're pregnant.  Sure, in your mind you'll think 'it'll be cute'----but trust me, you can't successfully pull off fat AND butch at the same time.

And for the love of God, if you're not ready to have a baby, don't have unprotected sex. Even if you think you're ready and you figure, 'what the heck..how hard can it be?'   I can tell you with 100% honesty, your easiest day [as a parent] is still way harder than the toughest day you could have ever imagined.

...Now go on.  Make mama proud.

differences betwix my mother and me

In Honor of Mother's Day......

Differences betwix my mother and me

• Well, for one thing, I don't leave a cigaratte buring in every ashtray in every room of the house.
• My pubes aren't busting out the sides of my bathing suit like "jazzy hands". 
• I don't threaten to bash my kids' teeth down their throats
• I don't polish my silver every month (do I even have silver?)
• I can't whip up a wreath on a moment's notice
• I don't get drunk off of one fuzzy navel (more like 11--except I haven't drank peach schnapps since I was 14)
• She birthed girls, I birthed boys
• She didn't believe in antidepressants or therapy (despite desperately needing both).  I'm a walking poster child for antidepressants. 
• She loved to take care of other people.  I'm legally obligated to take care of two people in particular.
• Her belief was that cleanliness was next to Godliness.  I believe that it takes an unGodly amount of effort to keep this friggin' house clean 24/7
• She genuinely enjoyed taking care of my step father.  Me? eh.

Similarities betwix my mother and I

• She had a very disturbingly sick relationship with her dog.   Luna is my favorite person in the world.
• She swore like a sailor.  I have a trucker mouth.  
• She loved to sing while vacuuming.  I too, love to sing and vacuum. No witty comparison there.  
• When I'd annoy her, she'd scream, "WHHAAAAAT????  Goddamn it, WHAT?"   When my kids go, "mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom..." I scream, "WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?" (then mutter the Goddamn it part under my breath)
• I know she used to secretly fantasize about bashing my dad's skull with a baseball bat.  Ahem. 

As much as I've tried to escape the inevitable, I've become my mother, in many ways.  Can't help it.  It's genetic.  Hopefully my kids will pull through with minimal therapy.  To all the mother's out there, to all the women who've acted as a mother, been a mother, been the closest thing to a mother, who desperately want to become a mother but science won't allow for it, to all the ladies who act as 'mother hen' to all their girlfriends, Happy Mother's Day.  The world would suck without you. xoxoxo

LB

my mother's dying wish

My mom and I had not a tumultuous relationship, but not a real close one either.  For the most part, she was a good mother, but I was the polar opposite of her.  I think mostly I just contributed to her gray hair and wrinkles.  In other words, I was probably a huge pain in her ass.  Not an easy girl to raise, let's just say. 

Her dying wish was, "I hope you get one just like you".  Meaning she was trying to curse me with an equally rotten daughter.  Of course, I was naive at the time and my response to her was, "I hope so too....because I'm awesome".  My thought process was that I would be a way cooler mom than she was.

So, after I birthed two sons and saw an inkling of how hard parenthood was, I cut my losses and got my tubes tied, out of fear that I'd have that [said] daughter.  I figured I'd dodged a bullet and was mentally flipping my mother the bird.  'Ha ha...instead of a rebellious, emotional wreck of a daughter, I got 2 adorable boys. How dya like me now?' 

Fast forward to 2010.  I have one who is about as emotional as any 15 year old girl and another one who wouldn't think twice about stealing my car to go pub crawling.  Joke's on me.  I have been reincarnated in both my children.  Although each one looks nothing like me, each have inherited my worst attributes.  Bless their hearts....  Of course, at the time, I didn't think my laugh-in-the-face-of-authority, poor judgement and blatent stupidy were necessary bad traits----but now, I fully admit that raising me had to be a nightmare. 

You win, mom.  Happy?  My oldest is going to break my heart with his emotional roller coaster.  He's so me.  Nothing is good enough, everything is catastrophic and a stubbed toe will inevitably  ruin an entire week.  My youngest never thinks of consequences, he's impulsive and not terribly bright, but always the life of the party.  (it's always the idiots that make the most friends)

Here's me. Waving my white, surrender flag.  I apologize to my mother in heaven for every night that she waited up for me.  For her having to hold my hair back while I puked.  For lying to the police about her beating me.  For running away from home, because I didn't want to be grounded and miss a party.  For the endless parties at her house.  For watering down her whiskey.  For watering down her peach schnapps.  For stealing her Virginia Slims. For terrorizing her husband.  For being an all around impossible daughter. 


Here's the thing, mom....I'm not as tough and rough around the edges as you were.  Please be kind to me and disarm the curse that is upon me.  My boys are great and all....but give 'em 5-10 years and I'm screwed.