It's not all fun and games here. I have a life, you know. Ever wonder what it's like to be me? I'm a tortured soul, I tell you. Here, see for yourself.
(insert the Law & Order's ching-ching sound bite)
First Day of Summer Vacation
Brought the kids over to the Rossi's for cocktails and hors d'voures. I had taken sudafed (allergies, you know) prior to arriving and then I hit the Smirnoff Ice rather abruptly. I only had one, but I was all tippy, for whatever reason. The littlest girl was struggling to get out of the pool and I waltzed over to hoist her out of the pool. I totally lost my balance and teetered into the pool. I didn't actually slip, but the stumble was obvious, mainly by the child's mother. I was horrified--(although, the mother is no stranger to parenting under the influence). I wasn't even drunk (yet). Whatever...she shoulda used the ladder.
Second day of Summer Vacation
I already loathe the children. I've been a bitch on wheels since I woke up this morning. First of all, Ben came barrelling into my room at 7:30 to announce the time. I was like, "can you believe this effing kid"? I ran down the list of rules for the Summer. No wakie mommy before 9. No loud toys before 9. No tattling before 9. Anyway.... I semi-float thru the day and somewhere around 4 PM, I'm white knuckling it and I kicked the kids out of the house. I told them to turn the tv off and get outside. I was upstairs and I heard them go outside, but I also heard the tv still on in the family room below. Whatever, at least they're outside. Oh, wait.... I come downstairs a few minutes later and those rotten kids took the ottomans off the deck, brought them over to the family room window and were watching tv from the backyard.
Third day of Summer vacation
For the first time ever, I had to ground my little Gabe. At his brother's baseball game, I busted him playing hide and go seek in the porta potty. Unfortunately, this is the second time this week that this incident has taken place (which is why he got grounded this time). In case you're wondering how this affects me, you might know that I'm soooo afraid of germs. I'm the mom with antibacterial spray (yes, spray, from bath and body works) on my belt loop. Long story short, Gabe had TWO bleach baths this week.
Fourth day of Summer Vacation
Gave Jason some loving after work. Scamped off to a jewelry party. Received a text from my husband telling me I looked hot before I left. I took that as a sign that I could buy whatever I wanted. End of story.
10th Day of Summer vacation
I was given a hot tip that there were Bulldog puppies at a local pet store. I put the pedal to the metal and got my sweet ass over there. Big ol' mama, big ol' papa and two baby boys came waddling over and met me at the door. I dropped to my knees and fell in love instantly. I named both boys and began calling them my own. Gabe was totally jealous of my affection for the dogs so he started climbing on me. I threw him aside and continued puppy-talking to the babies. "Who's a pretty boy?" One of them placed both paws on either side of my neck and started nuzzling my ear. That's it! Wrap 'em up, I'll take two!! I handed Gabe my phone and told him to take a picture of my new puppy and me. We both exhibited our perfect "pout" face (as in....pleeaaase, daddy) and we immediately texted the photo to Jason. To which he responded, "No Way. ....How much"? This is good. This means he's considering it. "What are they going for" I ask the lady. "$2300", she tells me. (gulp) I said, "whew, that's a little steep". She says, "yeah, but would you put a price on your child"? "YES!" I answer. "Name your price", I tell her. "I have another one at home who's bigger and smarter than this one", I add. She just stares at me and then surrupticiously calls the police, I think. I text Jason, "$2300. A real bargain if you consider the happiness he'll bring to us". I continue to carry my boy around the store (the dog boy, not the people-boy) and won't let anyone pet him. I bounce him as if he's a collicky baby. We're bonding. I burp his back. He snores in my ear. I'm in love. Jason texts back, "no fucking way". Whatever. I guess you picked the wrong week to go white water rafting in Colorado for the next 6 days.
Eleventh Day of Summer vacation
Jason has a cold. I repeat. Jason has a cold. A COLD. He woke me up at 3:30 in the morning to tell me that he was driving himself to urgent care. Really? Urgent Care, for a cold? Mind you, there was a tornado warning in town--unbeknownst to me, but the point is, he drove off into the night to score some pain relief and left his family for dead. No, I'm not being dramatic. So, he scores a vat of liquid vicodin, goes to work, comes home early, taps the liquid vicodin and went to bed at 4:30 P.M. Ok, do you know what it would look like if I had a cold? I'd get up, make breakfast, do b'fast dishes, make beds, get dressed, chaperone the children everywhere, make lunch, do lunch dishes, clean kitchen and family room, take shower--if there's time, deliver snacks, break up fights, fix dvd player, fix wii, make dinner, do dinner dishes, bathe the children, fold laundry, return phone calls, put children to bed, read to [said] children and then finally, chug hot soup and maybe decaffeinated tea and lay down. There. I feel justified.
And there you have it. My world, at a glance. Jealous?
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
How to NOT age
Here are a few tips on how not to age yourself, or rather, how to appear younger.
1. Bangs. I don't know why this is, but whenever someone gets bangs, they immediately look younger!
2. Ripped jeans. So freaking cute! I wore ripped jeans to my sister in law's graduation party and Grandma Lupe said to me, "Oh mija, you look just like a teenager"! I love Grandma Lupe. And seriously, no one knows fashion like Grandma Lupe. That gal can rock a fur hat like it's nobody's business.
3. Preparation H (hemorroid ointment--NOT cream) under your eyes. It smells like death, but it shrinks the access skin under your eyes.
4. Self tanner as opposed to tanning bed. There's a chick at my gym that is so tan, she is actually darker than an African American. Seriously, I can't believe she thinks that looks good. She is so wrinkled and leathery, it's disgusting and I think she's my age, which of course, is 19. Self tanner is moisturizing, glowing and cancer-free!
5.Don't smoke. It totally causes wrinkles, especially around your lips. Plus, it makes you smell like cancer. Gross!
6. Stay current. No, your Beverly Hills Beach Club sweatshirt from 1987 isn't a wise choice for a trip downtown. Don't give me that, "it's comfortable" crap. Fashion knows no comfort! Also--anything in your closet that has a cartoon, writing or a character on it, just throw it away.
7. Watch the camel toe. It's a dead give away that you're old. There's someone in my, ahem, family that consistently sports a camel toe. It's not like I can tell her to pull her pants down, but seriously....it's disgusting.
8. Don't say things like, "rock and roll" or "blouse".
9. Don't 'wear' photos of your kids or grandkids. Tacky, tacky, tacky. Not on your purse, not on your shirt, not anywhere. You're a parent/grandparent 24/7. It doesn't need to infiltrate your wardrobe.
10. Stay fit. If you don't use it, you lose it. Stay active and quit concentrating on all the things that you can't do. "Oh, I can't walk all that way. Whew, I cleaned the whole house today and my muscles are sore". Really? Man up. The only time I ever get sore is when I do 100 squat kicks or 3 laps worth of walking lunges. I earn the right to complain after that....but not from say, gardening or vacuuming. (this particular bullet point is reserved for people over 75---however, my dear friend Tammy's elderly mother was locked out of her house while watering plants on her balcony, so she tied the hose around the rails and scaled her way down the house---Grandma Betty, you rock).
1. Bangs. I don't know why this is, but whenever someone gets bangs, they immediately look younger!
2. Ripped jeans. So freaking cute! I wore ripped jeans to my sister in law's graduation party and Grandma Lupe said to me, "Oh mija, you look just like a teenager"! I love Grandma Lupe. And seriously, no one knows fashion like Grandma Lupe. That gal can rock a fur hat like it's nobody's business.
3. Preparation H (hemorroid ointment--NOT cream) under your eyes. It smells like death, but it shrinks the access skin under your eyes.
4. Self tanner as opposed to tanning bed. There's a chick at my gym that is so tan, she is actually darker than an African American. Seriously, I can't believe she thinks that looks good. She is so wrinkled and leathery, it's disgusting and I think she's my age, which of course, is 19. Self tanner is moisturizing, glowing and cancer-free!
5.Don't smoke. It totally causes wrinkles, especially around your lips. Plus, it makes you smell like cancer. Gross!
6. Stay current. No, your Beverly Hills Beach Club sweatshirt from 1987 isn't a wise choice for a trip downtown. Don't give me that, "it's comfortable" crap. Fashion knows no comfort! Also--anything in your closet that has a cartoon, writing or a character on it, just throw it away.
7. Watch the camel toe. It's a dead give away that you're old. There's someone in my, ahem, family that consistently sports a camel toe. It's not like I can tell her to pull her pants down, but seriously....it's disgusting.
8. Don't say things like, "rock and roll" or "blouse".
9. Don't 'wear' photos of your kids or grandkids. Tacky, tacky, tacky. Not on your purse, not on your shirt, not anywhere. You're a parent/grandparent 24/7. It doesn't need to infiltrate your wardrobe.
10. Stay fit. If you don't use it, you lose it. Stay active and quit concentrating on all the things that you can't do. "Oh, I can't walk all that way. Whew, I cleaned the whole house today and my muscles are sore". Really? Man up. The only time I ever get sore is when I do 100 squat kicks or 3 laps worth of walking lunges. I earn the right to complain after that....but not from say, gardening or vacuuming. (this particular bullet point is reserved for people over 75---however, my dear friend Tammy's elderly mother was locked out of her house while watering plants on her balcony, so she tied the hose around the rails and scaled her way down the house---Grandma Betty, you rock).
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Always a Jewish Mother at Heart
It's true, biologically, I AM a (non-practicing) Jewish mother. Although I married a Christian and we are raising our boys Christian...you can't deny that deep down, I am a Jewish mother.
Case in point. I feel the need to feed every living creature that crosses my path. I'm all, "Eat..Eat...you're skin and bones". Which, for the record, both my children are skin and bones, but that's just good genes, not negligent parenting. Ok,so like there's these families of birds who come to live in our yard each and every Spring and I become totally fixated on them. I check on the eggs on an hourly basis (FYI, the mother birds really hate that). Finally, when the blessed eggs hatched, I texted my husband at work and told him. I guess I expected a big reaction, but he couldn't have been bothered (scrooge). Then, I proceed to dig up worms in my yard and throw them in the general direction toward the nest. PS. the mother bird really hated that. After I've sat back and thought about it, I'm sure the bird was like, "Um, thanks...but, I got it. I can find my own f^%-ing food. I'm a bird". Whatever.
Also, I tried to pour heaping cups of birdseed into our little bird house, but when I did, a HUGE bird came flying out of it and you have never seen this woman scream like a banshee in your life as I did that day. I did that girl-scream where it goes up 5 octives and you shake your arms like you fell into a porta potty. Scerred me-self. Anyway, so that little act of kindness failed because some dumb ass bird built a nest in our bird house. That's like me laying my sleeping bag on top of a Chinese Buffet. So, I did the next best thing, which was to pour birdseed into a medium sized tupperware bowl and place it under the tree. The boys and I marveled at the neighborhood birds who came to gather under the tree for a snack. We think we even may have helped our [said] bird's social situation. Like when your homely, asthmatic child brings popsicles to school...suddenly the cool kids become a little more accepting. So, I fell asleep that night with a clear conscience, knowing that although I might be a not-so-nice person to the human race, at least I'm a mensch to animals. Mensch: Yiddish expression meaning 'a good person'.
So, the next morning, the kids and I would wake up to check on the birds and the bowl would be empty. We'd all stand around commenting on how hungry those birds must have been and MY GOODNESS can those birds eat!! When smart ass Jason walks up behind us and says, "good job feeding the squirrels".
Ohhhhhhhh, riiiiight. Squirrels.
Whatever, I'm a Jewish mother at heart, and the moral of this story is where my human mothering lacks, my bird mothering flourishes. Shut up.
And also--I'm really good at making my kids feel guilty. (Jewish mother trademark)
Case in point. I feel the need to feed every living creature that crosses my path. I'm all, "Eat..Eat...you're skin and bones". Which, for the record, both my children are skin and bones, but that's just good genes, not negligent parenting. Ok,so like there's these families of birds who come to live in our yard each and every Spring and I become totally fixated on them. I check on the eggs on an hourly basis (FYI, the mother birds really hate that). Finally, when the blessed eggs hatched, I texted my husband at work and told him. I guess I expected a big reaction, but he couldn't have been bothered (scrooge). Then, I proceed to dig up worms in my yard and throw them in the general direction toward the nest. PS. the mother bird really hated that. After I've sat back and thought about it, I'm sure the bird was like, "Um, thanks...but, I got it. I can find my own f^%-ing food. I'm a bird". Whatever.
Also, I tried to pour heaping cups of birdseed into our little bird house, but when I did, a HUGE bird came flying out of it and you have never seen this woman scream like a banshee in your life as I did that day. I did that girl-scream where it goes up 5 octives and you shake your arms like you fell into a porta potty. Scerred me-self. Anyway, so that little act of kindness failed because some dumb ass bird built a nest in our bird house. That's like me laying my sleeping bag on top of a Chinese Buffet. So, I did the next best thing, which was to pour birdseed into a medium sized tupperware bowl and place it under the tree. The boys and I marveled at the neighborhood birds who came to gather under the tree for a snack. We think we even may have helped our [said] bird's social situation. Like when your homely, asthmatic child brings popsicles to school...suddenly the cool kids become a little more accepting. So, I fell asleep that night with a clear conscience, knowing that although I might be a not-so-nice person to the human race, at least I'm a mensch to animals. Mensch: Yiddish expression meaning 'a good person'.
So, the next morning, the kids and I would wake up to check on the birds and the bowl would be empty. We'd all stand around commenting on how hungry those birds must have been and MY GOODNESS can those birds eat!! When smart ass Jason walks up behind us and says, "good job feeding the squirrels".
Ohhhhhhhh, riiiiight. Squirrels.
Whatever, I'm a Jewish mother at heart, and the moral of this story is where my human mothering lacks, my bird mothering flourishes. Shut up.
And also--I'm really good at making my kids feel guilty. (Jewish mother trademark)
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
my reign of terror
Holy Shitzu, is school out already? Gawd, 3 more half days and it's over. And what's up with 3 half days? Are the administrators trying to kill us slowly? Whatever. It's still better than no school at all, which is precisely what I'll be having to deal with for roughly 88 days. But, who's counting?
I don't get it...how some parents are so excited for Summer. I mean, if you're a teacher, sure, I totally get it. But a stay-at-home-mom? What's to look forward to? Whining, fighting and entertaining 24/7? Maybe I'm the crazy one. Maybe everyone else's kids are awesome and they're a joy to be around. (However, I personally know some of these kids and I'm not buying it) My kids are great and all, but I'm realizing that they have no imagination and therein lies the problem.
We've all said it, 500 times. "....when we were kids, we'd disappear at 9 AM and our parents wouldn't see us until dinner time". Yeah, well, men are creepy now and we have to keep closer tabs on our kids. But seriously, Ben and Gabe couldn't entertain themselves in make-your-own-bomb factory. No, my kids would cry and complain that it was too (fill in the blank). They're either hungry, bored, hurt, uncomfortable, angry, thirsty, cold, hot or they have a headache. I pretty much have to build them a heated igloo that is stocked with toys and snacks for them to be remotely happy. I can handle it most days. But 88 days. In a row? Ima lose it.
I go thru this every Summer. I cannot, repeat CANNOT entertain them 7 days a week. GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY!!! You have every new toy known to man, you live in a neighborhood with 2700 kids (no lie), a park, a trampoline, a brother, a dog, a lake, the woods behind our house, a hose, a bike.....and on and on... Jeez, an old pair of socks used to keep me busy for days when I was their age. Of course, I was kinda a moron, as a child.
So, my "Reign of Terror" shall begin at exactly 12:00 noon on Friday, June 11. Our babysitter is coming at 5 so that we and our friends can get a prime spot at the annual, "Start of Summer" beer tent! You might remember how I got so lit last year, I dumped an entire drink on my sister in law, stood up and went home. Anyhoot, nice way to kick off the Summer. "Hey, congratulations you graduated from pre-school and your brother has completed 2nd grade. Yay you. Well, dad and I are off to numb ourselves".
I got a facebook message from an old friend recently who suggested that I drop the kids off at the library. The kids could pacify themselves for a few hours and I could go run some errands. That is a GREAT idea...if my kids were 17 and 14. OK, seriously? Where the hell does she live that her library allows the 'drop-off' option? Because we're totally moving there. Our library sucks. Mainly because it frowns upon abandonment. We do go there at least once a week, but that can only kill an hour...tops. So, just like last year, I've got the boys enrolled in pretty much every day camp that will take them. The 8 year old is going to wrestling camp and football camp. The 5 year old is going to some lame 'playground adventures' camp(which I'm sure he'll just lay on the ground and roll in dirt) and also a vacation Bible school. What? Together, I have them going camping twice with their dad (overnight....score!) and various other themed camps; Vegan camp, Jews for Jesus camp and a Michigan Militia camp. At this point, I don't even care. If they take 8 & 5 year olds, I'm signing them up.
Be aware that my blogs tend to get more intense and snippy as the Summer wears on. (hard to imagine, I know). However, the bright side is that along with the challenges of Summer, come the boat rides, parties, bon fires and back yard cocktails (more blogging material). There is a yard-olympics party coming up in a few weeks with 3 other couples. Ohhh, Lawd, I can't wait to bask in the aftermath of that! Can I just say....."KY Jelly Watermelon toss"?
~Happy Summer 2010
xoxox
I don't get it...how some parents are so excited for Summer. I mean, if you're a teacher, sure, I totally get it. But a stay-at-home-mom? What's to look forward to? Whining, fighting and entertaining 24/7? Maybe I'm the crazy one. Maybe everyone else's kids are awesome and they're a joy to be around. (However, I personally know some of these kids and I'm not buying it) My kids are great and all, but I'm realizing that they have no imagination and therein lies the problem.
We've all said it, 500 times. "....when we were kids, we'd disappear at 9 AM and our parents wouldn't see us until dinner time". Yeah, well, men are creepy now and we have to keep closer tabs on our kids. But seriously, Ben and Gabe couldn't entertain themselves in make-your-own-bomb factory. No, my kids would cry and complain that it was too (fill in the blank). They're either hungry, bored, hurt, uncomfortable, angry, thirsty, cold, hot or they have a headache. I pretty much have to build them a heated igloo that is stocked with toys and snacks for them to be remotely happy. I can handle it most days. But 88 days. In a row? Ima lose it.
I go thru this every Summer. I cannot, repeat CANNOT entertain them 7 days a week. GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY!!! You have every new toy known to man, you live in a neighborhood with 2700 kids (no lie), a park, a trampoline, a brother, a dog, a lake, the woods behind our house, a hose, a bike.....and on and on... Jeez, an old pair of socks used to keep me busy for days when I was their age. Of course, I was kinda a moron, as a child.
So, my "Reign of Terror" shall begin at exactly 12:00 noon on Friday, June 11. Our babysitter is coming at 5 so that we and our friends can get a prime spot at the annual, "Start of Summer" beer tent! You might remember how I got so lit last year, I dumped an entire drink on my sister in law, stood up and went home. Anyhoot, nice way to kick off the Summer. "Hey, congratulations you graduated from pre-school and your brother has completed 2nd grade. Yay you. Well, dad and I are off to numb ourselves".
I got a facebook message from an old friend recently who suggested that I drop the kids off at the library. The kids could pacify themselves for a few hours and I could go run some errands. That is a GREAT idea...if my kids were 17 and 14. OK, seriously? Where the hell does she live that her library allows the 'drop-off' option? Because we're totally moving there. Our library sucks. Mainly because it frowns upon abandonment. We do go there at least once a week, but that can only kill an hour...tops. So, just like last year, I've got the boys enrolled in pretty much every day camp that will take them. The 8 year old is going to wrestling camp and football camp. The 5 year old is going to some lame 'playground adventures' camp(which I'm sure he'll just lay on the ground and roll in dirt) and also a vacation Bible school. What? Together, I have them going camping twice with their dad (overnight....score!) and various other themed camps; Vegan camp, Jews for Jesus camp and a Michigan Militia camp. At this point, I don't even care. If they take 8 & 5 year olds, I'm signing them up.
Be aware that my blogs tend to get more intense and snippy as the Summer wears on. (hard to imagine, I know). However, the bright side is that along with the challenges of Summer, come the boat rides, parties, bon fires and back yard cocktails (more blogging material). There is a yard-olympics party coming up in a few weeks with 3 other couples. Ohhh, Lawd, I can't wait to bask in the aftermath of that! Can I just say....."KY Jelly Watermelon toss"?
~Happy Summer 2010
xoxox
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