life; at a glance

It's not all fun and games here. I have a life, you know. Ever wonder what it's like to be me? I'm a tortured soul, I tell you. Here, see for yourself.


(insert the Law & Order's ching-ching sound bite)

First Day of Summer Vacation
Brought the kids over to the Rossi's for cocktails and hors d'voures. I had taken sudafed (allergies, you know) prior to arriving and then I hit the Smirnoff Ice rather abruptly. I only had one, but I was all tippy, for whatever reason. The littlest girl was struggling to get out of the pool and I waltzed over to hoist her out of the pool. I totally lost my balance and teetered into the pool. I didn't actually slip, but the stumble was obvious, mainly by the child's mother. I was horrified--(although, the mother is no stranger to parenting under the influence). I wasn't even drunk (yet). Whatever...she shoulda used the ladder.


Second day of Summer Vacation
I already loathe the children. I've been a bitch on wheels since I woke up this morning. First of all, Ben came barrelling into my room at 7:30 to announce the time. I was like, "can you believe this effing kid"? I ran down the list of rules for the Summer. No wakie mommy before 9. No loud toys before 9. No tattling before 9. Anyway.... I semi-float thru the day and somewhere around 4 PM, I'm white knuckling it and I kicked the kids out of the house. I told them to turn the tv off and get outside. I was upstairs and I heard them go outside, but I also heard the tv still on in the family room below. Whatever, at least they're outside. Oh, wait.... I come downstairs a few minutes later and those rotten kids took the ottomans off the deck, brought them over to the family room window and were watching tv from the backyard.


Third day of Summer vacation
For the first time ever, I had to ground my little Gabe. At his brother's baseball game, I busted him playing hide and go seek in the porta potty. Unfortunately, this is the second time this week that this incident has taken place (which is why he got grounded this time). In case you're wondering how this affects me, you might know that I'm soooo afraid of germs. I'm the mom with antibacterial spray (yes, spray, from bath and body works) on my belt loop. Long story short, Gabe had TWO bleach baths this week.

Fourth day of Summer Vacation
Gave Jason some loving after work. Scamped off to a jewelry party. Received a text from my husband telling me I looked hot before I left. I took that as a sign that I could buy whatever I wanted. End of story.


10th Day of Summer vacation
I was given a hot tip that there were Bulldog puppies at a local pet store. I put the pedal to the metal and got my sweet ass over there. Big ol' mama, big ol' papa and two baby boys came waddling over and met me at the door. I dropped to my knees and fell in love instantly. I named both boys and began calling them my own. Gabe was totally jealous of my affection for the dogs so he started climbing on me. I threw him aside and continued puppy-talking to the babies. "Who's a pretty boy?" One of them placed both paws on either side of my neck and started nuzzling my ear. That's it! Wrap 'em up, I'll take two!! I handed Gabe my phone and told him to take a picture of my new puppy and me. We both exhibited our perfect "pout" face (as in....pleeaaase, daddy) and we immediately texted the photo to Jason. To which he responded, "No Way. ....How much"? This is good. This means he's considering it. "What are they going for" I ask the lady. "$2300", she tells me. (gulp) I said, "whew, that's a little steep". She says, "yeah, but would you put a price on your child"? "YES!" I answer. "Name your price", I tell her. "I have another one at home who's bigger and smarter than this one", I add. She just stares at me and then surrupticiously calls the police, I think. I text Jason, "$2300. A real bargain if you consider the happiness he'll bring to us". I continue to carry my boy around the store (the dog boy, not the people-boy) and won't let anyone pet him. I bounce him as if he's a collicky baby. We're bonding. I burp his back. He snores in my ear. I'm in love. Jason texts back, "no fucking way". Whatever. I guess you picked the wrong week to go white water rafting in Colorado for the next 6 days.


Eleventh Day of Summer vacation
Jason has a cold. I repeat. Jason has a cold. A COLD. He woke me up at 3:30 in the morning to tell me that he was driving himself to urgent care. Really? Urgent Care, for a cold? Mind you, there was a tornado warning in town--unbeknownst to me, but the point is, he drove off into the night to score some pain relief and left his family for dead. No, I'm not being dramatic. So, he scores a vat of liquid vicodin, goes to work, comes home early, taps the liquid vicodin and went to bed at 4:30 P.M. Ok, do you know what it would look like if I had a cold? I'd get up, make breakfast, do b'fast dishes, make beds, get dressed, chaperone the children everywhere, make lunch, do lunch dishes, clean kitchen and family room, take shower--if there's time, deliver snacks, break up fights, fix dvd player, fix wii, make dinner, do dinner dishes, bathe the children, fold laundry, return phone calls, put children to bed, read to [said] children and then finally, chug hot soup and maybe decaffeinated tea and lay down. There. I feel justified.

And there you have it.  My world, at a glance.  Jealous?